Barkles: The Game: Game of the Year Edition

(print: "<img id=img src=" + $imgdir + "/" + $img +">")

{(if: $didbackflip is 0)[(link: "DO A BACKFLIP.")[(set: $flip_count to $flip_count + 1)(goto:"Backflip")]] (else:)[(set: $didbackflip to 0)] }

{(unless: (history:) contains "Intro 2")[ (set: $nap_ending to 0) (set: $merge_ending to 0) (set: $dark_ending to 0) (set: $restaurant_ending to 0) (set: $CEO1_ending to 0) (set: $ceo2_ending to 0) (set: $penny_ending to 0) (set: $bark_count to 0) (set: $vr_level to 0) (set: $barkles to "BARKLES") (set: $didbite to 0) (set: $flip_count to 0) (set: $funds to 1000000) (set: $didbackflip to 0) (set: $spaceship to 0) (set: $doghouse to 0) (set: $spacebridge to 0) (set: $humanpoints to 0) (set: $matrix_count to 0) (set: $starcomplete to 0) (set: $review to 0) (set: $contact to 0) (set: $ending to 0) ]} { (if: $vr_level is 1 and $ending is 1)[ (set: $barkles to "CYBER-BARKLES") (set: $didbite to 0) (set: $flip_count to 0) (set: $funds to 1000000) (set: $didbackflip to 0) (set: $spaceship to 0) (set: $doghouse to 0) (set: $spacebridge to 0) (set: $humanpoints to 0) (set: $matrix_count to 0) (set: $starcomplete to 0) (set: $review to 0) (set: $contact to 0) (set: $ending to 0) (set: $vr_level to 1) ] (else-if: $vr_level is 1 and $ending is 0)[ (set: $vr_storage_base to (a: $barkles, $didbite, $flip_count, $funds, $didbackflip, $spaceship, $doghouse, $spacebridge, $humanpoints, $matrix_count, $starcomplete, $review, $contact, $ending)) (set: $didbite to 0) (set: $flip_count to 0) (set: $funds to 1000000) (set: $didbackflip to 0) (set: $spaceship to 0) (set: $doghouse to 0) (set: $spacebridge to 0) (set: $humanpoints to 0) (set: $matrix_count to 0) (set: $starcomplete to 0) (set: $review to 0) (set: $contact to 0) (set: $ending to 0) (set: $vr_level to 1) (set: $bark to 0) ] (set: $skipintro to "<center>(if: $end_count is >=1)[ [[Skip Intro->A1 - Page 1]] ]</center>") (set: $imgdir to "http://barkles.dog/game/images") } <center>INSPIRED BY HISTORICAL EVENTS AND CHARACTERS, THIS WORK OF FICTION WAS DESIGNED, DEVELOPED, AND PRODUCED BY TWO GUYS OF VERY SIMILAR BELIEFS, SEXUAL ORIENTATIONS AND GENDER IDENTITIES.</center> $skipintro (live: 8s)[(goto: "Intro 2")] (set: $ending to 0)

<center>THIS GAME SERIES DOES NOT ADAPT TO THE CHOICES YOU MAKE. THE STORY IS NOT TAILORED BY HOW YOU PLAY. IT'S FINE. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.</center> (live: 7s)[(goto: "Intro 2 and a Half")]

(set: $img to "0003.png") (display: "img") (live: 5s)[(goto: "Intro 4")] <center> [SKIP]<opener| (click: ?opener)[(replace: ?opener)[SKIPPING IS AVAILABLE TO PREMIUM SUBSCRIBERS ONLY] ]</center>

<center>IN ASSOCIATION</center> (live: 2s)[(goto: "Intro 5")]

#YOU ARE $barkles, AMERICA'S FAVORITE DOG. (set: $img to "0005.png") (display: "img") * (link: "BARK!")[(set: $bark_count to $bark_count+1)(goto:"A1 - A1")] * [[NO I'M NOT.->A1 - B1]] * (display: "bf-function")

<center>with</center> (live: 3s)[(goto: "Intro 6")]

(set: $img to "0004.png") (display: "img") (live: 2s)[(goto: "A1 - Page 1")]

(set: $img to "0007.png") (display: "img") "BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK!" YOU BARK. SATISFIED THAT YOU HAVE MADE EVERYONE AWARE OF YOUR PRESENCE AND YOUR ABILITY TO BARK AND SCARED OFF ANY POTENTIAL BURGLARS OR CATS OR GHOSTS, YOU DECIDE TO CELEBRATE BY GOING TO THE PARK. * (link: "GO TO THE PARK")[(goto:"A1 - Park 1")] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $didbackflip to 1) (set: $img to "0012.png") (display: "img") YOU DO A BACKFLIP. IT IS VERY GOOD. (link: "THANKS, I'VE BEEN PRACTICING.")[(go-to: (history:)'s last)]

(set: $img to "0104.png") (display: "img") YES YOU ARE. MAYBE YOU SHOULD BUY A COPY OF THE HIT COMIC (link-repeat:"BARKLES: AMERICA'S FAVORITE DOG")[(open-url: "http://pizzagun.storenvy.com")] TO REMIND YOURSELF? * [(link:"GOOD IDEA I'LL DO THAT RIGHT NOW.")[(set: $funds to $funds-15)(goto: "A1 - C1")]] * [[NO I'M NOT, I'M A HUMAN PERSON PLAYING A VIDEO GAME.|A1 - B2]] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "0001.png") (display: "img") (live: 3s)[(goto: "Intro 2 and Two Thirds")]

(set: $img to "0002.png") (display: "img") <center>THIS GAME DOES NOT HAVE AN AUTOSAVE FEATURE. WHEN YOU SEE THIS ICON, LET US KNOW, BECAUSE YOU SHOULDN'T SEE IT AND IT SHOULDN'T BE IN HERE.</center> (live: 6s)[(goto: "Intro 3")]

(set: $img to "0006.png") (display: "img") YOU MOVE TO THE WINDOW, OVERCOME WITH COMPELLING INTERNAL CONFLICT. YOU ARE INDEED BARKLES, AND A DOG, BUT WHAT DOES IT TRULY MEAN TO BE AMERICA'S FAVORITE DOG? AS YOU WATCH THE RAIN FALL, YOU RUMINATE ON THE MYRIAD COMPLEXITIES OF PATRIOTISM AND CELEBRITY IN OUR MODERN WORLD. * [[GO PLAY IN THE PARK|A1 - Park 1]] * [[READ A BOOK ABOUT EXISTENTIALISM|A1 - B3]] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "0013.png") (display: "img") ON YOUR WAY TO THE PARK, YOU PASS BY TWO HUMANS. "... NOBODY'S SEEN ZUCKERBERG FOR MONTHS!" SAYS THE FIRST HUMAN. "VERY MYSTERIOUS," SAYS THE SECOND HUMAN. "I WONDER IF IT IS CONNECTED TO THE CONTEST TO WIN A TRIP TO THE FACEBOOK FACTORY, WHERE NO ONE HAS BEEN ALLOWED IN AND OUT FOR MONTHS." * {[CARE ABOUT THIS CONVERSATION, WHICH HAS ESTABLISHED IMPORTANT PLOT POINTS IN A SUBTLE AND NATURAL FASHION.]<opener|(click: ?opener)[(replace: ?opener)[YOU CANNOT CARE ABOUT THIS. YOU ARE A DOG.]]} * [[FAIL TO CARE ABOUT THIS, AND GO TO THE PARK.->A1 - Park 2]] * (if:$didbite is 0)[(link:"BITE THE HUMANS.")[(set: $bite_page to (passage:)'s name)(goto: "Bite 1")]] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "0011.png") (display: "img") YOU ARE AT THE DOG PARK, WHICH IS FULL OF BOTH DOG AND PARK. IT IS A NICE SUNNY DAY. TWO HUMANS ARE HAVING A CONVERSATION. * [[LISTEN TO THE CONVERSATION.->A1 - Park 2 - Plot 1]] * [[CATCH A FRISBEE.->A1 - Park 2 - Frisbee]] * [[DIG FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON.->A1 - Park 3]] * (display: "bf-function")

{(if: $didbite is 0) [(set: $bark_count to $bark_count+1)(goto:"A1 - A1")] }

(set: $img to "0014.png") (display: "img") YOU APPROACH TWO HUMANS, WHO ARE VERY DIFFERENT FROM THE PREVIOUS HUMANS, AND DEFINITELY NOT ASSETS THAT WERE RE-USED BY THE GAME STUDIO TO SAVE MONEY. "WHAT'S UP WITH THIS CONTEST?" SAYS THE FIRST HUMAN. "NO ONE HAS BEEN ALLOWED INSIDE THE OLD FACEBOOK FACTORY FOR YEARS," SAYS THE SECOND HUMAN. "BUT IF YOU FIND THE GEOCACHE THAT ZUCKERBERG HAS HIDDEN SOMEWHERE, YOU CAN WIN A TOUR TO SEE ITS WONDERFUL SECRETS AND LEARN HOW THEY MAKE THE INTERNET OR WHATEVER." * [[CONTINUE LISTENING TO THE HUMANS, WHO MAY DROP SOME RELEVANT FORESHADOWING OF FUTURE PLOT POINTS->A1 - Park 2 - Plot 2]] * (link-repeat:"WONDER WHAT GEO-CACHING IS.")[(open-url: "https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Geocaching")] * [[IMPRESS THE HUMANS WITH YOUR IMPRESSIVE DIGGING SKILLS.->A1 - Park 3]] * {(if:$didbite is 0)[(link:"BITE THE HUMANS.")[(set: $bite_page to (passage:)'s name)(goto: "Bite 1")]]} * (display: "bf-function")

(if: (random: 1,10) >= 5)[(set: $catch to 1)] (else:)[(set: $catch to 0)] (set: $img to "0052.png") (display: "img") (if: $catch is 1)[YOU CAUGHT THE FRISBEE! WELL DONE!] (if: $catch is 0)[DANG, ALMOST! WANT TO GIVE IT ANOTHER TRY?] {(if: $catch is 1)[* [[CATCH THE FRISBEE AGAIN->A1 - Park 2 - Frisbee]]]} {(if: $catch is 0)[* [[YEAH I CAN DO IT THIS TIME->A1 - Park 2 - Frisbee]]]} * [[LISTEN TO THOSE PEOPLE OVER THERE JABBERING AWAY ABOUT THE MAIN PLOT OF THIS GAME->A1 - Park 2 - Plot 1]] * [[TAKE A BREAK AND DO SOME DIGGING->A1 - Park 3]]

(set: $img to "0015.png") (display: "img") YOU ENTHUSIASTICALLY BEGIN DIGGING INTO THE GROUND. WHO KNOWS WHAT MYSTERIES LIE BELOW? PERHAPS A BONE? OR A STICK! THOSE ARE THE ONLY POSSIBILITIES YOU CAN REALLY THINK OF, BUT YOU SUPPOSE THEY ARE THEORETICALLY ENDLESS. * [[MAKE A SHOCKING AND UNEXPECTED DISCOVERY->A1 - Park 4]]

(set: $img to "0008.png") (display: "img") YOU GO TO THE BOOK SHELF AND START READING PHILOSOPHY BOOKS, IGNITING A POWERFUL INTEREST IN THE GREAT QUESTIONS OF OUR EXISTENCE. * [[EMBRACE YOUR NEWLY DISCOVERED PASSION FOR LEARNING, AND ENROLL IN YOUR LOCAL COMMUNITY COLLEGE.->A1 - B4]] * [[TAKE A BREAK AND CLEAR YOUR HEAD BY GOING TO THE PARK->A1 - Park 1]] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "0009.png") (display: "img") YOU BECOME THE FIRST DOG TO ENROLL IN COLLEGE, AND YOU APPROACH YOUR CLASSES WITH A CANINE'S FEROCITY, IMPRESSING EVERYONE WITH YOUR DEDICATION TO LEARNING. EVENTUALLY, YOU TRANSFER TO STATE, AND BECOME THE FIRST DOG TO GRADUATE FROM COLLEGE, A REMARKABLE ACCOMPLISHMENT. * [[PURSUE A PhD IN PHILOSOPHY->A1 - B5]] * [[CELEBRATE BY GOING TO THE PARK->A1 - Park 1]] * (display: "bf-function")

YOU LOOK AT THE CURRENT JOB MARKET, WHICH IS NOT FANTASTIC. CONSIDERING THE AMOUNT OF TIME YOU HAVE ALREADY PUT IN (28 DOG YEARS) YOU DECIDE THAT YOUR BEST BET IS TO CONTINUE YOUR STUDIES. YOU MANAGE TO FINISH A YEAR EARLY, AND EVERYONE IS VERY PROUD OF YOU AND TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE A GOOD BOY. THIS NEARLY MOVES YOU TO TEARS, AS YOUR STUDIES HAVE FINALLY MADE YOU CAPABLE OF UNDERSTANDING WHAT "GOOD" MEANS. ALSO, THERE IS A CAT OVER THERE. (set: $img to "0010.png") (display: "img") { * [(link:"SHAKE HANDS TO ACCEPT YOUR DIPLOMA.")[(set: $funds to $funds-280000)(goto: "A1 - B6")]] * (if:$didbite is 0)[(link:"BITE THE DEAN.")[(set: $bite_page to (passage:)'s name)(goto: "Bite 1")]] * [[CHASE THE CAT->A1 - B5 - Transition]] * (display: "bf-function") }

(set: $img to "0019.png") (display: "img") <center>ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: AMERICA'S SMARTEST DOG</center> (if: $vr_level >= 1)[ (link: "GO TO THE PARK TO HANG OUT WITH YOUR FELLOW GRADUATES")[(set: $barkles to "DR. CYBER-" + it)(goto:"A1 - Park 1")] ] (else:)[ (link: "GO TO THE PARK TO HANG OUT WITH YOUR FELLOW GRADUATES")[(set: $barkles to "DR. BARKLES")(goto:"A1 - Park 1")]]

(set: $img to "0023.png") (display: "img") YOU CHASE THE CAT DOWN THE ROAD, BUT IT JUMPS UP ON TOP OF A FENCE AND YOU CAN'T REACH IT. * [[GIVE UP AND GO TO THE PARK->A1 - Park 1]] $backflip

(set: $img to "0016.png") (display: "img") BURIED TREASURE! THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE LAST THING THAT YOU EXPECTED TO FIND BURIED IN THE GROUND. THE CONTENTS MUST BE VALUABLE IF SOMONE HAS GONE TO THE TROUBLE TO STICK IT INSIDE A CHEST. * [[OPEN THE TREASURE CHEST TO SEE IF THERE IS A BONE INSIDE->A1 - Park 5]] * [[OPEN THE TREASURE CHEST TO SEE IF THERE IS A STICK INSIDE->A1 - Park 5]]

(set: $img to "0017.png") (display: "img") <center>[[<h2>OH SWEET JESUS</h2>->A1 - Park 6]]</center>

(set: $img to "0018.png") (display: "img") "HELLO, CITIZEN!" SAYS THE HUMAN, EMERGING FROM THE TREASURE CHEST. "IT'S ME, MARK ZUCKERBERG, THE CREATOR OF FACEBOOK, AND YOU'RE THE WINNER OF MY AMAZING CONTEST! YOU MUST BE PRETTY SMART IF YOU MANAGED TO SOLVE ALL MY RIDDLES AND FIND ME!" * (if:$didbite is 0)[(link:"BITE THE SHIT OUT OF HIM.")[(set: $bite_page to (passage:)'s name)(goto: "Bite 1")]] * (link: "BARK!")[(set: $bark_count to $bark_count+1)(goto:"A1 - Park 7")] (if: $barkles is "Dr. Barkles")[* (link: "WELL, I DO HAVE A DOCTORATE IN PHILOSOPHY.")[(goto:"A1 - Park 7")]]

(set: $img to "0020.png") (display: "img") "I CAN'T WAIT TO SHOW YOU ALL OF MY WONDERFUL SECRETS, $barkles," SAYS MARK ZUCKERBERG EXCITEDLY, STANDING MUCH CLOSER TO YOU THAN YOU ARE COMFORTABLE WITH. "WE'RE GOING TO HAVE SUCH A WONDERFUL TIME TOGETHER! ARE YOU READY TO GO ON THIS INCREDIBLE JOURNEY WITH ME?" * (link: "ACCEPT THE CALL TO ADVENTURE BY BARKING")[(set: $bark_count to $bark_count+1)(goto:"A2 - Trip 1")] * [[REFUSE THE CALL AND GO HOME AND TAKE A NAP->E1 - Nap]] * (if:$didbite is 0)[(link:"AVENGE EDUARDO SAVERIN AND BITE MARK ZUCKERBERG.")[(set: $bite_page to (passage:)'s name)(goto: "Bite 1")]]

YOU RETURN TO THE HOUSE, WHERE YOU HAVE A LIGHT SUPPER AND WATCH SOME TV BEFORE TURNING IN. OH, TODAY WAS SUCH A WONDERFUL ADVENTURE! YOU CAN'T WAIT TO FIND OUT WHAT TOMORROW BRINGS! (set: $img to "0022.png") (display: "img") GOOD NIGHT, $barkles! <center> {(set: $nap_ending to 1)} (link-repeat:"CLICK HERE TO FIND OUT WHAT TOMORROW BRINGS")[(open-url: "http://pizzagun.storenvy.com")] (display: "ACHIEVEMENTS") </center>

(goto:"Bite 1")

YOU HAVE BEEN CURED OF YOUR CRIMINAL TENDENCIES, AND ARE ALLOWED TO RETURN TO SOCIETY. (set: $img to "0029.png") (display: "img") ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: BITE CLUB (set: $didbite to 1) (link:"RETURN TO SOCIETY.")[(goto: $bite_page)]

(set: $img to "0021.png") (display: "img") YOU DO A BITE. [[SAUNTER AWAY, CONFIDENT YOU WILL SUFFER NO NEGATIVE REPERCUSSIONS FOR THIS.->Bite 2]]

(if: (count: (history:), "Bite 2") is 0)[ (set: $img to "0030.png") (display: "img") YOU ARE ARRESTED BY THE POLICE AND SPEND A NIGHT IN JAIL. IN THE MORNING, YOU APPEAR BEFORE A JUDGE, WHO SENTENCES YOU TO A MONTH OF OBEDIENCE SCHOOL.] (if: (count: (history:), "Bite 2") >= 1)[ (set: $img to "0031.png") (display: "img") YOU ARE REQUIRED TO ATTEND ANOTHER MONTH OF OBEDIENCE SCHOOL. AT FIRST, YOU HAVE A REAL ATTITUDE PROBLEM, BELIEVING THIS TO BE UNNECESSARY AND BENEATH YOU, BUT OVER TIME THE REMARKABLE FRIENDSHIPS YOU FORM AND YOUR STERN BUT FAIR TEACHER SUCCEED IN BREAKING THROUGH YOUR TOUGH EXTERIOR.] STILL THINK IT'S COOL TO BITE PEOPLE? * [[YES.->Bite 2]] * [[NO.->Bite End]]

(set: $img to "0029.png") (display: "img") BITE CLUB: THE FIRST RULE OF BITE CLUB IS YOU SHOULD STOP BITING PEOPLE

<center>ACHIEVEMENTS</center> YOU BARKED: $bark_count TIMES YOU BACKFLIPPED: $flip_count TIMES (if: $didbite is 1) [(display: "cheevo bite")<hr>] (if: $barkles is "DR. BARKLES") [(display: "cheevo phd") <hr>] (if: $sucker is 1) [(display: "cheevo sucker") <hr>] (if: $human is 1) [(display: "cheevo human")] <hr> (if: $preview >=3)[(display: "cheevo preview")] <center>(link: "CLICK HERE TO PLAY AGAIN")[(goto:"Intro 1")] </center>

(set: $img to "0019.png") (display: "img") <center>AMERICA'S SMARTEST DOG: PHILOSOPHY MAJORS ACTUALLY FIND MORE REGULAR EMPLOYMENT THAN YOU MIGHT THINK</center>

(set: $img to "0028.png") (display: "img") YOU BARK. "BARK!" "ABSOLUTELY," SAYS MARK ZUCKERBERG, NOT REALLY PAYING ATTENTION. A HELICOPTER APPEARS OVERHEAD, AND YOU ARE WHISKED AWAY TO THE FACEBOOK FACTORY. <center>(link: "OH BOY, A HELICOPTER RIDE!")[(goto:"A2 - Trip 2")]</center>

(set: $img to "0024.png") (display: "img") <center> (text-style: "rumble")[thupp thupp thupp thupp] </center> (live: 5s)[(goto: "A2 - Trip 3")]

(set: $img to "0025.png") (display: "img") YOU ARRIVE AT THE OLD FACEBOOK FACTORY, WHERE YOU SEE SOMETHING MORE WONDERFUL AND AMAZING THAN YOU POSSIBLY COULD HAVE IMAGINED. WHILE YOU WERE INITIALLY SKEPTICAL, YOU NOW REALIZE WHY ZUCKERBERG HAS SUCH A POSITIVE REPUTATION. * [[FROLIC IN THIS INCREDIBLE WONDERLAND WITH A CHILDLIKE JOY->A2 - Trip 4]] * (if: $didbackflip is 0)[[[EXPRESS YOUR ASTONISHMENT WITH A GOOD OLD FASHIONED BACKFLIP.->Backflip]]] (else:)[(set: $didbackflip to 0)]

(set: $img to "0026.png") (display: "img") "$barkles GET OUT OF THE TRASH," SAYS MARK ZUCKERBERG. "I HAVE TO SHOW YOU MY INCREDIBLE WORLD OF PURE IMAGINATION." * (link: "BARK!")[(set: $bark_count to $bark_count+1)(goto:"A2 - Trip 5")] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "0027.png") (display: "img") YOU RELUCTANTLY EXIT THE TRASH TO LOOK AT THE VAST AND MYSTERIOUS FACEBOOK FACTORIES, WHERE WORKERS ARE IN THE PROCESS OF REMODELING. YOU THINK IT IS PRETTY BORING BY COMPARISON. * (link: "BARK!")[(set: $bark_count to $bark_count+1)(goto:"A2 - Trip 6")] * [[BE POLITE->A2 - Trip 6]] * [[RUDELY EXPRESS YOUR CONTEMPT FOR ALL OF ZUCKERBERG'S TREMENDOUS LABORS->A2 - Trip 6]] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "0036.png") (display: "img") "BARK!" YOU BARK. "OH, THIS?" SAYS ZUCKERBERG. "MY MASSIVE, MULTI-BILLION DOLLAR COMPOUND? ALL BASICALLY A BUNCH OF POOP, $barkles! GOOD OF YOU TO NOTICE! WHY, IT'S NOTHING COMPARED TO THE INCREDIBLE SECRET THAT IS CONTAINED WITHIN MY VAST AND MYSTERIOUS FACEBOOK FACTORY." * [[ENTER THE FACEBOOK FACTORY AND DISCOVER THE INCREDIBLE SECRET CONTAINED THEREIN->A2 - Trip 7]] * [[DECIDE THAT YOU ARE ACTUALLY PRETTY WIPED OUT AFTER PLAYING WITH TRASH AND CALL IT A DAY.->E1 - Nap]] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "0032.png") (display: "img") "HERE IT IS," SAYS ZUCKERBERG EXULTANTLY, FLINGING THE DOORS OPEN TO REVEAL A BIG ROOM WITH SOME KIND OF WEIRD MACHINE IN IT. "THE FUTURE!" * (link: "BARK!")[(set: $bark_count to $bark_count+1)(goto:"A2 - Trip 8")] * [[ASK HIM TO CLARIFY->A2 - Trip 8]] * [[CALL ZUCKERBERG A DAMNED FOOL, AND INFORM HIM THAT HIS WORSHIP OF TECHNOLOGY WILL ULTIMATELY PROVE HIS UNDOING->A2 - Trip 8]] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "0033.png") (display: "img") "YOU SEE, BARKLES," SAYS ZUCKERBERG, IGNORING YOU, "WE SILICON VALLEY BILLIONAIRES HAVE INNOVATED TOO MUCH! MY SO-CALLED PEERS BELIEVE THERE ARE NO MORE INVENTIONS TO CREATE, NO MORE INDUSTRIES TO REVOLUTIONIZE!" HE LEANS IN, EYES WILD. "BUT I HAVE REALIZED THAT THERE IS A SECOND WORLD HIDDEN IN OUR MIDST -- A VAST CONTINENT THAT I WILL CLAIM AS MY OWN!" * (link: "BARK!")[(set: $bark_count to $bark_count+1)(goto:"A2 - Trip 9")] * (link: "GASP IN ASTONISHMENT")[(set: $gasp to $gasp+1)(goto:"A2 - Trip 9")] * (link: "IS IT VR? BECAUSE THAT ALREADY EXISTS, IDIOT")[(set: $skeptic to $skeptic+1)(goto:"A2 - Trip 9")] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "0040.png") (display: "img") (if: $skeptic is 1)["THAT'S RIGHT, $barkles,"]{ (else:)["IT'S VIRTUAL REALITY,"] } SCREAMS ZUCKERBERG, HOLDING THE HEADSET ALOFT, AS LIGHTNING CRASHES DOWN AROUND HIM. "VIRTUAL REALITY..." "FOR DOGS!!!" * (link: "BARK IN AMAZEMENT")[(set: $bark_count to $bark_count+1)(goto:"A2 - Trip 10")] * (link: "GASP IN ASTONISHMENT")[(set: $gasp to $gasp+1)(goto:"A2 - Trip 10")] * [[ADMIT THAT DESPITE YOUR PREVIOUS SKEPTICISM YOU DID NOT EXPECT THIS AND YOU ARE TRULY ASTONISHED->A2 - Trip 10]] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "0035.png") (display: "img") "DOGS ARE A MASSIVE UNTAPPED DEMOGRAPHIC," ZUCKERBERG CONTINUES ARROGANTLY. "BUT WITH MY NEW SYSTEM, THEY CAN GO ONLINE, ALLOWING ME TO GATHER THEIR METADATA AND DIGITAL PAWPRINTS, WHICH WILL -- SOMEHOW -- MAKE ME EVEN WEALTHIER AND MORE POWERFUL THAN EVER BEFORE! (text-style: "rumble")[HA HA HA HA HA!]" * (link: "BARK")[(set: $bark_count to $bark_count+1)(goto:"A2 - Trip 11")] * [[ENGAGE IN A SPIRITED BUT RESPECTFUL CONVERSATION ABOUT THE ETHICS OF THIS REVOLUTIONARY SYSTEM ->A2 - Trip 11]] * [[TELL ZUCKERBERG HE HAS TRULY GONE MAD IF HE BELIEVES THAT YOU WOULD EVER BETRAY THE PRIVACY RIGHTS OF YOUR CANINE KIN->A2 - Trip 11]] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "0037.png") (display: "img") A HUMAN WITH COOL GLASSES AND BIG BLACK COAT ENTERS THE ROOM. "$barkles," SAYS MARK ZUCKERBERG, "ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE YOU TO MY FRIEND, LAURENCE FISHBURNE! HE WAS THE GUY IN THE MATRIX WHO INTRODUCED YOU TO THE MATRIX! I USED SOME OF MY STAGGERING FACEBOOK FORTUNE TO HIRE HIM TO HELP YOU LEARN MORE ABOUT THE EXCITING WORLD OF VIRTUAL REALITY FOR DOGS!" "I AM VERY WELL COMPENSATED," AGREES LAURENCE FISHBURNE SOLEMNLY. * (link: "BARK")[(set: $bark_count to $bark_count+1)(goto:"A2 - Trip 12")] * [[TELL FISHBURNE YOU ENJOYED THE MATRIX VERY MUCH->A2 - Trip 12]] * (link: "TELL FISHBURNE THE FIRST MATRIX WAS GOOD BUT THE LATER ONES WERE CRIMES AGAINST CINEMA AND IF YOU FOUND THEM IN A LITTER BOX YOU WOULD COVER THEM UP")[(set: $matrix_count to 1)(goto:"A2 - Insult 1")] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "0038.png") (display: "img") "THIS IS WHERE YOUR JOURNEY BEGINS," SAYS LAURENCE FISHBURNE SOLEMNLY. (live: 2s)["ARE YOU PREPARED TO ENTER AN INCREDIBLE NEW WORLD, BEYOND YOUR WILDEST IMAGINATION?] (live: 7s)[YOU SEE, THE MATRIX WAS JUST A MOVIE, BUT THIS IS REAL LIFE.] (live: 15s)[SOON, YOU WILL FIND YOURSELF THRUST INTO A SIMULATION SO INCREDIBLE THAT YOU MAY FIND IT IMPOSSIBLE TO DISTINGUISH FROM REALITY.] (live: 22s)[THE ONLY DIFFERENCE, INDEED, IS THAT THIS WORLD WILL BE PACKED WITH CEASELESS EXCITEMENT AND ADVENTURE.] (live: 28s)[YOU SEE $barkles, THIS WORLD EXISTS... ONLY IN THE DIGITAL REALM!"] * (link: "BARK")[(set: $bark_count to $bark_count+1)(goto:"A2 - Trip 13")] * [[EAT WHATEVER HE HAS IN HIS HAND->A2 - Eat Pills 1]] * [[TELL FISHBURNE YOU ALREADY GOT THE PITCH EARLIER THANKS->A2 - Trip 13]] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "0039.png") (display: "img") "$barkles," SAYS LAURENCE FISHBURNE. "I HAVE TWO PILLS: ONE THAT IS RED AND BLUE, AND ANOTHER THAT IS BLUE AND RED. IF YOU TAKE ONE, YOU WILL CONTINUE TO GO THROUGH YOUR MUNDANE EXISTENCE, NEVER KNOWING THE MAJESTY OF THE CYBERSPACES. BUT IF YOU TAKE THE OTHER, IT WILL HELP REDUCE YOUR NAUSEA AS YOU VENTURE INTO THE IMPOSSIBLE REALM OF VIRTUAL REALITY FOR DOGS." * [[EAT BOTH PILLS->A2 - Eat Pills 1]] * [[EAT NEITHER PILLS->A2 - Pill Battle]] * [[WHY DO YOU NEED A PILL TO CONTINUE YOUR MUNDANE EXISTENCE->Pill Question]] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "0041.png") (display: "img") YOU IMMEDIATELY INHALE THE CONTENTS OF LAURENCE FISHBURNE'S HANDS. [[NOM NOM NOM->A2 - Eat Pills 2]]

(set: $img to "0042.png") (display: "img") YOU POLITELY DECLINE TO EAT THE PILLS, BUT LAURENCE FISHBURNE DECLINES TO ACCEPT YOUR DECLINATION. YOU EXPLAIN THAT, AS A DOG, IT IS AGAINST YOUR RELIGIOUS PRINCIPLES TO EAT PILLS. HE TRIES TO FORCE YOU TO EAT IT. * [[SUCCESSFULLY WRIGGLE FREE FROM HIS GRASP AND FLEE DEEPER INTO THE FACTORY->A2 - Escape]] * {(if:$didbite is 0)[(link:"BITE LAURENCE FISHBURNE IN SELF-DEFENSE.")[(set: $bite_page to (passage:)'s name)(goto: "Bite 1")]]}

(set: $img to "0046.png") (display: "img") "WAIT A MINUTE," SAYS ZUCKERBERG. "WHY WOULD HE NEED A PILL TO CONTINUE HIS MUNDANE EXISTENCE? COULDN'T HE JUST NOT TAKE ANY PILLS?" "HECK, I DON'T KNOW," SAYS LAURENCE FISHBURNE. "I'M JUST AN ACTOR. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO COMES UP WITH ALL THIS DUMB STUFF FOR ME TO SAY." * [[EAT BOTH PILLS->A2 - Eat Pills 1]] * [[EAT NEITHER PILLS->A2 - Pill Battle]] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "0043.png") (display: "img") YOU WANDER THROUGH THE FACEBOOK FACTORY, TAKING IN THE SIGHTS. LOTS OF PEOPLE STOP TO PET YOU, WHICH IS NICE. SEVERAL HOURS LATER, YOU RANDOMLY HAPPEN UPON SOME HAMBURGER JUST SITTING ON THE GROUND. * [[HELL YES CHOW DOWN->A2 - Eat Pills 3]] * [[INSPECT IT CAREFULLY->A2 - Inspection 1]] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "0047.png") (display: "img") YOU FEEL DIZZY AND SIT DOWN. AS YOU DO, A VIRTUAL REALITY HEADSET DESCENDS ONTO YOUR HEAD. [[ENTER AN INCREDIBLE WORLD BEYOND YOUR IMAGINATION->A2 - VR Intro 1]]

(set: $img to "0044.png") (display: "img") YOU USE YOUR FINELY HONED CANINE SENSES TO INSPECT THE HAMBURGER CAREFULLY. AFTER SOME INTENSE EXAMINATION, YOU CONCLUDE THAT IT CONTAINS HAMBURGER, AND WOULD PROBABLY TASTE AMAZING. * [[YUMMY YUMMY YUMMY GET IN MY TUMMY->A2 - Eat Pills 3]] * [[TAKE IT TO A LABORATORY AND HAVE IT ANALYZED->A2 - Inspection 2]] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "0049.png") (display: "img") THE LAB TESTS THE HAMBURGER, AND CONCLUDES THAT IT IS JUST HAMBURGER AND DEFINITELY DOESN'T HAVE ANY PILLS IN IT. * [[SOUNDS GOOD EAT THE HAMBURGER->A2 - Eat Pills 3]] * [[GO TO A RESTAURANT AND ORDER A HAMBURGER INSTEAD->A2 - Inspection 3]] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "0050.png") (display: "img") YOU GO TO THE FACEBOOK CAFETERIA AND ORDER A HAMBURGER. IT IS DELICIOUS, AND PRESUMABLY CONTAINS NO PILLS. * [[EAT THE HAMBURGER->A2 - Eat Pills 3]] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "0045.png") (display: "img") "UH," SAYS FISHBURNE. "HE ATE BOTH PILLS." "I'M SURE IT WILL BE FINE," SAYS ZUCKERBERG CONFIDENTLY. "IT SHOULD KICK IN ANY MINUTE NOW." [[FEEL THE PILL START TO KICK IN->A2 - Eat Pills 3]]

<center> (text-style: "blurrier")[HELLO `$`NEW`_`DOG`_`USER and welcome to (set: $img to "0072.png") (display: "img") brought to you by (set: $img to "0048.png") (display: "img") FACEBOOK.COM]</center> (live: 6s)[(goto: "A2 - VR Intro 2")]

<center> (text-style: "blurrier")[READ AND FOLLOW ALL WARNINGS AND INSTRUCTIONS INCLUDED WITH VIRTUAL REALITY FOR DOGS BEFORE USE. VIRTUAL REALITY FOR DOGS SHOULD BE ADJUSTED FOR EACH DOG. NOT FOR USE BY PUPPIES UNDER 13 MONTHS. PLEASE REMEMBER THAT IF YOU DIE IN THE GAME, YOU MIGHT GET REALLY SCARED. MORE AT FACEBOOKFORDOGS.COM/WARNINGS BARK TO ACKNOWLEDGE.]</center> (link: "BARK!")[(set: $bark_count to $bark_count+1)(goto: "A2 - VR Menu")]

CLICK A GAME TO BEGIN. { (if: $starcomplete is 0)[(link: "STAR CITIZEN FOR DOGS")[(goto: "Star Citizen 1")]] (else:)[STAR CITIZEN FOR DOGS] } [[YOU ARE A HUMAN->Human 1]] GRAND THEFT DOGGO (COMING Q1 2018) CALL OF DOGGY (COMING Q1 2018)  (if: $contact is 0 and (history:) contains "Star Citizen 1" or (history:) contains "Human 1")[(goto:"A3 - Contact")] (if: (history:) contains "Human 1" and (history:) contains "Star Citizen 1")[(link:"REMOVE THE HEADSET, CONCLUDING YOUR ASTONISHING JOURNEY INTO THE HIGHEST REACHES OF THE DIGITAL CYBERCLOUDS, FEELING AS THOUGH YOU ARE THAT ONE GREEK GUY WHO HAD WAX WINGS, EXCEPT THAT UNLIKE HIM, YOUR WINGS DID NOT MELT. WHAT WAS HIS NAME AGAIN? OEDIPUS? IT WAS PROBABLY OEDIPUS.")[(goto:"A3 - Return")]]

(set: $img to "0059.png") (display: "img") YOU PATIENTLY WAIT FOR THE GAME TO LOAD, BUT INSTEAD A VIDEO OF A HUMAN BEGINS TO PLAY. "HELLO," SAYS THE HUMAN. "I'M CHRIS ROBERTS. I JUST WANT TO SAY HOW EXCITED I AM TO SHARE THE STAR CITIZEN UNIVERSE WITH YOU, `$`NEW`_`DOG`_`USER. STAR CITIZEN FOR DOGS IS THE LARGEST VIDEO GAME EVER CREATED, AND YOU WON'T BELIEVE ALL THE INCREDIBLE THINGS YOU CAN DO WHEN YOU PLAY IT." * (link: "BARK!")[(set: $bark_count to $bark_count+1)(goto:"Star Citizen 2")] * [[LISTEN TO WHAT CHRIS ROBERTS HAS TO SAY->Star Citizen 2]] * (link: "SKIP THIS BORING VIDEO AND PLAY THE GAME")[(set: $skipper to $skipper+1)(goto:"Star Citizen 2")] {(display:"game return menu")}

(set: $img to "0060.png") (display: "img") {(if: $skipper is 1)[YOU MASH THE 'SKIP VIDEO' BUTTON BUT IT DOES NOT SEEM TO WORK.]} "I'M AFRAID THAT WE'RE HAVING SOME MINOR TECHNICAL ISSUES, AND THAT IT IS NOT POSSIBLE TO PLAY STAR CITIZEN FOR DOGS AT THIS MOMENT. HOWEVER, I DO HAVE AN AMAZING FINANCIAL OPPORTUNITY TO SHARE WITH YOU TODAY. ARE YOU READY TO HEAR ABOUT SOMETHING THAT MIGHT JUST CHANGE YOUR LIFE?" * (link: "BARK!")[(set: $bark_count to $bark_count+1)(goto:"Star Citizen 3")] * [[LISTEN CREDULOUSLY TO WHAT CHRIS ROBERTS HAS TO SAY->Star Citizen 3]] * [[LISTEN SKEPTICALLY TO WHAT CHRIS ROBERTS HAS TO SAY->Star Citizen 3]] {(display:"game return menu")}

<hr>{ (unless: (passage:)'s name is "Wallet")[* (link:"WALLET")[(set: $wallet_page to (passage:)'s name)(goto: "Wallet")]] * (link: "RETURN TO VR FOR DOGS MENU")[(set: $humanpoints to 0)(goto:"A2 - VR Menu")] }

(set: $img to "0059.png") (display: "img") "IMAGINE IF YOU COULD OWN YOUR VERY OWN SPACESHIP, OR YOUR VERY OWN SPACE DOGHOUSE, OR EVEN YOUR VERY OWN SPACE BRIDGE! WOULDN'T THAT BE INCREDIBLE?" * (link: "BARK!")[(set: $bark_count to $bark_count+1)(goto:"Star Citizen 4")] * [[YES IT WOULD->Star Citizen 4]] * [[NO IT WOULD NOT->Star Citizen 4]] {(display:"game return menu")}

(set: $img to "0060.png") (display: "img") "WELL, WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THAT YOU CAN -- IN THE UNIVERSE OF STAR CITIZEN FOR DOGS! THAT'S RIGHT, WE NOW HAVE ALL OF THESE THINGS AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE IN THE GAME! WHICH OF THESE OPTIONS DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN TRYING TODAY?" * (link: "BARK!")[(set: $bark_count to $bark_count+1)(goto:"Star Citizen 5")] * [[IF I HAD A SPACESHIP I COULD STICK MY HEAD OUT THE WINDOW WHILE I FLEW THROUGH SPACE! ->Star Citizen 5]] * [[I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO OWN A SPACE DOGHOUSE!->Star Citizen 5]] * [[I DON'T KNOW WHAT A SPACE BRIDGE IS, BUT I WANT ONE!->Star Citizen 5]] {(display:"game return menu")}

(set: $img to "0059.png") (display: "img") "EXCELLENT!" SAYS CHRIS ROBERTS, WHO SEEMS SLIGHTLY NERVOUS FOR SOME REASON. "WELL, FIRST THING'S FIRST! HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU HAVE?" * (link:"CHECK YOUR BANK ACCOUNT.")[(set: $wallet_page to (passage:)'s name)(goto: "Wallet")] * [[TELL CHRIS ROBERTS HOW MUCH MONEY YOU HAVE->Star Citizen Check]] * [[SAY YOU DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY->Star Citizen Poor]] {(display:"game return menu")}

(set: $img to "0061.png") (display: "img") CHRIS ROBERTS SHAKES HIS HEAD, DISAPPOINTED IN YOU. "THAT'S TOO BAD," HE SAYS. "WELL, FEEL FREE TO STOP BY ANY TIME TO SEE HOW STAR CITIZEN FOR DOGS, A VERY REAL GAME THAT IS GOING TO COME OUT SO PEOPLE CAN BUY IT, IS PROGRESSING! THANKS FOR PLAYING!" * [[UH WELL OKAY THEN->A2 - VR Menu]] {(display:"game return menu")}

(set: $img to "0058.png") (display: "img") YOU CURRENTLY HAVE `$`$funds. (link:"GO BACK TO GAME.")[(goto: $wallet_page)] {(display:"game return menu")}

(set: $img to "0063.png") (display: "img") YOU DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO PURCHASE NEW STAR CITIZEN FOR DOGS ITEMS. "OH," SAYS CHRIS ROBERTS, WHO IS HURRIEDLY SHOVING CLOTHES INTO A SUITCASE FOR SOME REASON. "WELL, THAT'S OKAY. BE SURE TO COME BACK AND VISIT STAR CITIZEN FOR DOGS SOON, A VERY REAL VIDEO GAME, WHICH WILL SURELY BE UP AND RUNNING ANY DAY NOW! AND IF NOT, YOU CAN ALWAYS BUY A SPACESHIP! BYE BYE!" * (link: "BYE!")[(set: $starcomplete to 1)[(goto:"A2 - VR Menu")]] {(display:"game return menu")}

(set: $img to "0073.png") (display: "img") {(if: (count: (history:), "preview cheevo check") is 0)[YOUR BARKLES COMICS ARRIVE IN THE MAIL ON TIME AND IN FANTASTIC CONDITION! THEY ARE PRINTED ON HIGH QUALITY PAPER AND EACH ONE IS A DELIGHTFUL READ FOR CHILDREN AND ADULTS OF ALL AGES!] (else:)[WOW, WHAT GREAT COMICS! YOU CAN'T WAIT TO TELL ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT THEM!]} * [[READ BARKLES: AMERICA'S FAVORITE DOG->BAFD 1]] * [[READ BARKLES: BEST DOG OF ALL TIME->BDOAT 1]] * [[READ BARKLES: ONE HELL OF A DOG->BOHOAD 1]] * [[TAKE YOUR BARKLES COMICS TO PARK TO READ->A1 - Park 1]] * (display: "bf-function")

<center>WELCOME TO (set: $img to "0074.png") (display: "img") THE `#`1 BEST-SELLING HUMAN SIMULATOR PROGRAMMED FOR DOGS, BY DOGS! ARE YOU READY TO LEAP INTO THE THRILLING ACTION-PACKED WORLD OF THE LIFE OF AN ORDINARY HUMAN?! </center> [[YES->Human 2]] [[NO->A2 - VR Menu]] {(display:"game return menu")}

Double-click this passage to edit it.

(set: $img to "0060.png") (display: "img") (if: (count: (history:), "Star Citizen Buy") is 1) ["SO, WHAT ELSE CAN I GET FOR YOU TODAY?"] (else:)["FANTASTIC!" SAYS CHRIS ROBERTS. "WHAT CAN I GET STARTED FOR YOU TODAY?"] * (if: $spaceship is 0)[(link: "BUY A SPACESHIP FOR `$`50,000!")[(set: $funds to $funds - 50000)(set: $spaceship to 1)(goto:"SC - Spaceship Purchase")]] * (if: $doghouse is 0)[(link: "BUY A SPACE DOGHOUSE FOR `$`20,000!")[(set: $funds to $funds - 20000)(set: $doghouse to 1)(goto:"SC - Doghouse Purchase")]] * (if: $spacebridge is 0)[(link: "BUY A SPACE BRIDGE FOR `$`100,000!")[(set: $funds to $funds - 100000)(set: $spacebridge to 1)(goto:"SC - Space Bridge Purchase")]] {(else-if: $funds >=200000 and $spaceship is 1 and $doghouse is 1 and $spacebridge is 1)[(goto:"Star Citizen Sucker 1")]} * [[YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK I'VE BOUGHT ENOUGH SPACE THINGS FOR ONE DAY->Star Citizen Chicken]] {(display:"game return menu")}

{(display:"game return menu")}

(if: $funds >=20000)[(goto:"Star Citizen Buy")] (else-if: $funds <=20000)[(goto:"Star Citizen Poor")] (else-if: $funds >=200000 and $spaceship is 1 and $doghouse is 1 and $spacebridge is 1)[(goto:"Star Citizen Sucker 1")]

(set: $img to "0055.png") (display: "img") YOU SPEND FIFTY THOUSAND REAL DOLLARS OF YOUR OWN MONEY ON A VIDEO GAME SPACESHIP FOR NO REASON. "A SMART BUY!" SAYS CHRIS ROBERTS. "YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS WHEN YOU CAN ACTUALLY PLAY IT!" [[BUY MORE IMAGINARY THINGS->Star Citizen Check]] [[STOP BUYING IMAGINARY THINGS->Star Citizen Chicken]] {(display:"game return menu")}

(set: $img to "0059.png") (display: "img") CHRIS ROBERTS LEANS FORWARD, EYES GLISTENING. "WOW," HE SAYS. "I HAVE TO SAY, YOU ARE MY BEST CUSTOMER. IT'S THANKS TO VERY SPECIAL STAR CITIZENS LIKE YOU THAT THIS GAME, STAR CITIZEN FOR DOGS, WHICH IS REAL, WILL DEFINITELY BECOME A REALITY. I NORMALLY DON'T DO THIS, BUT I HAVE ONE MORE THING I THINK YOU MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN PURCHASING." * [[WHAT IS IT? I HAVE TO OWN IT->Star Citizen Sucker 2]] * [[ACTUALLY I THINK I'M GOOD THANKS->Star Citizen Chicken]] {(display:"game return menu")}

(set: $img to "0060.png") (display: "img") "HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED HOW COOL I WOULD BE IF I OWNED A LAMBORGHINI?" SAYS CHRIS ROBERTS. "I HAVE A TERRIBLE CONFESSION TO MAKE, `$`NEW`_`DOG`_`USER: I'M WORRIED THAT MY EMPLOYEES AND OTHER GAME COMPANIES DO NOT RESPECT ME. BUT IF I HAD A LAMBORGHINI, I'M SURE I WOULD BE ABLE TO INSPIRE THEM TO CREATE THE BEST DAMN SPACE SIMULATOR FOR DOGS OF ALL TIME!" * [[HOW MUCH DO LAMBORGHINIS COST?->Star Citizen Sucker 4]]

(set: $img to "0059.png") (display: "img") "ABOUT TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS," SAYS CHRIS ROBERTS. "SO COME ON BUD, WHAT DO YOU SAY?" * (link: "BUY CHRIS ROBERTS A LAMBORGHINI IN REAL LIFE")[(set: $funds to $funds - 200000)(set: $sucker to 1)(goto:"Star Citizen Sucker 5")] * [[WOW, YOU KNOW WHAT? PASS.->Star Citizen Chicken]] {(display:"game return menu")}

(set: $img to "0071.png") (display: "img") <center>ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: BORN EVERY MINUTE</center> (live: 5S)[(goto: "Star Citizen Sucker 6")]

(set: $img to "0071.png") (display: "img") <center>BORN EVERY MINUTE: I HAVE NO IDEA HOW A DOG GOT SO MUCH MONEY, BUT AT LEAST I KNOW HOW HE LOST IT</center>

(set: $img to "0057.png") (display: "img") "YOU'LL NEVER SLEEP MORE COMFORTABLY THAN WHEN YOU SLEEP IN A DOGHOUSE IN SPACE!" SAYS CHRIS ROBERTS EXCITEDLY. "JUST THINK HOW EASY IT WILL BE TO HOWL AT THE MOON WHEN YOU'RE ORBITING AROUND IT!" [[BUY MORE IMAGINARY THINGS->Star Citizen Check]] [[STOP BUYING IMAGINARY THINGS->Star Citizen Chicken]] {(display:"game return menu")}

(set: $img to "0054.png") (display: "img") "EVERYBODY THINKS ABOUT SPACESHIPS," CHRIS ROBERTS SAYS WISELY, "BUT WHAT ABOUT SPACE. . . BRIDGES? THIS IS AN INCREDIBLE NEW TECHNOLOGY THAT YOU ARE ONE OF THE FIRST TO INVEST IN! THIS IS AN ASSET THAT WILL GO UP IN VALUE -- AND NOT JUST BECAUSE IT'S A BRIDGE! HA HA HA!" [[BUY MORE IMAGINARY THINGS->Star Citizen Check]] [[STOP BUYING IMAGINARY THINGS->Star Citizen Chicken]] {(display:"game return menu")}

(set: $img to "0064.png") (display: "img") YOU ARE A HUMAN! GO DO HUMAN THINGS! * (link: "WALK AROUND!")[(set: $humanpoints to $humanpoints + 10)(goto:"Human Walk")] * (link: "OPEN A DOOR")[(set: $humanpoints to $humanpoints + 20)(goto:"Human Door")] * (link: "EAT A FOOD!")[(set: $humanpoints to $humanpoints + 50)(goto:"Human Food")] (if: (count: (history:), "Human 2") >= 1)[ * (link: "GO OUTSIDE!")[(set: $humanpoints to $humanpoints + 30)(goto:"Human Outside")] * (link: "GO TO YOUR HUMAN JOB!")[(set: $humanpoints to $humanpoints + 75)(goto:"Human Job")] * (link: "DRIVE YOUR HUMAN CAR!")[(set: $humanpoints to $humanpoints + 5)(goto:"Human Drive")] ] (if: $humanpoints >= 250)[NEW STAGE UNLOCKED!!! * (link: "TALK TO ANOTHER HUMAN!")[(set: $humanpoints to $humanpoints + 50)(goto:"Human Talk")] * (link: "WATCH TELEVISION!")[(set: $humanpoints to $humanpoints + 50)(goto:"Human Television")] * (link: "FEED YOUR DOG!")[(set: $humanpoints to $humanpoints + 100)(goto:"Human Dog Feed")] ] (if: $humanpoints >= 500)[SUPERHUMAN MODE ENABLED!!! * (link: "DEFEAT THE MAILMAN!")[(set: $humanpoints to $humanpoints + 150)(goto:"Human Mailman")] * (link: "BATTLE THE VACUUM CLEANER!")[(set: $humanpoints to $humanpoints + 150)(goto:"Human Vacuum")] ] (if: $humanpoints >= 500 and (count: (history:), "Human Win") is 0)[(goto: "Human Win")] <hr> HUMAN POINTS: $humanpoints {(display:"game return menu")}

(set: $img to "0093.gif") (display: "img") YOU WALK AROUND ON TWO LEGS, CAREFULLY BALANCING YOURSELF SO YOU DON'T FALL OVER! INCREDIBLE! <center>10 POINTS!</center> [[GO DO MORE HUMAN THINGS!->Human 2]] <hr> HUMAN POINTS: $humanpoints {(display:"game return menu")}

(set: $img to "0098.gif") (display: "img") YOU SOMEHOW USE YOUR HUMAN HANDS TO OPEN THE DOOR! UNBELIEVABLE! <center>20 POINTS!</center> [[GO DO MORE HUMAN THINGS!->Human 2]] <hr> HUMAN POINTS: $humanpoints {(display:"game return menu")}

(set: $img to "0075.png") (display: "img") YOU EAT A FOOD! SOMEHOW YOUR INCREDIBLE HUMAN STOMACH LETS YOU CONSUME THINGS THAT WOULD KILL AN ORDINARY DOG! LOOK AT YOU WOLFING DOWN ALL THOSE CHOCOLATES AND GRAPES AND POINTSETTIAS! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?! <center>50 POINTS!</center> [[GO DO MORE HUMAN THINGS!->Human 2]] <hr> HUMAN POINTS: $humanpoints {(display:"game return menu")}

(set: $img to "0070.png") (display: "img") YOU GO TO YOUR HUMAN JOB, WHICH CONSISTS OF SITTING DOWN AT A DESK AND THEN STARING AT A BRIGHT SHINY RECTANGLE UNTIL SOMEONE TELLS YOU YOU ARE A GOOD BOY! THIS ALLOWS YOU TO MAINTAIN YOUR POSITION IN THE INNUMERATE PACK THAT IS THE HUMAN RACE! TOTALLY SWEET! <center>75 POINTS!</center> [[GO DO MORE HUMAN THINGS!->Human 2]] <hr> HUMAN POINTS: $humanpoints {(display:"game return menu")}

(set: $img to "0097.gif") (display: "img") YOU GO OUTSIDE! NOBODY HAS TO LET YOU OUTSIDE! YOU JUST DO IT! OH MY GOD! HOW POWERFUL DO YOU FEEL RIGHT NOW? YOU'RE CAPABLE OF WRITING YOUR OWN DESTINY! HOW LIBERATING MUST THIS BE?! <center>30 POINTS!</center> [[GO DO MORE HUMAN THINGS!->Human 2]] <hr> HUMAN POINTS: $humanpoints {(display:"game return menu")}

(set: $img to "0094.gif") (display: "img") WHAT THE HECK HOW COULD ANYBODY DO THIS? YOU HAVE TO TURN THE WHEEL AND LOOK AROUND AND RESIST THE URGE TO RAM AND/OR CHASE OTHER CARS! OUTSTANDING! <center>5 POINTS!</center> [[GO DO MORE HUMAN THINGS!->Human 2]] <hr> HUMAN POINTS: $humanpoints {(display:"game return menu")}

(set: $img to "0099.png") (display: "img") USE YOUR MAGICAL HUMAN POWERS TO OBTAIN FOOD FROM AN UNKNOWN AND INCOMPREHENSIBLE SOURCE, WHICH YOU THEN GIVE TO YOUR DOG SO HE CAN EAT IT AND NOT DIE! TOTALLY RADICAL! <center>200 POINTS!</center> [[GO DO MORE HUMAN THINGS!->Human 2]] <hr> HUMAN POINTS: $humanpoints {(display:"game return menu")}

(set: $img to "0069.png") (display: "img") NOW YOU'RE STARING AT ANOTHER BRIGHT SHINY RECTANGLE, BUT THIS TIME IT IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT, AND NOT FOR THE PURPOSES OF WORK! IT DOESN'T REALLY MAKE ANY SENSE BUT YOU SEEM TO ENJOY IT SO WHATEVER! TUBULAR! <center>5 POINTS!</center> [[GO DO MORE HUMAN THINGS!->Human 2]] <hr> HUMAN POINTS: $humanpoints {(display:"game return menu")}

(set: $img to "0101.gif") (display: "img") "TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK!" NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE, BUT IT SEEMS TO MAKE BOTH OF YOU HAPPY! <center>50 POINTS! (if: (count: (history:), "Human Talk") is 1)[ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: SOCIAL ANIMAL!] </center> [[GO DO MORE HUMAN THINGS!->Human 2]] <hr> HUMAN POINTS: $humanpoints {(display:"game return menu")}

(set: $img to "0095.gif") (display: "img") YOU BRAVELY CONFRONT THE MAILMAN, TAKING PIECES OF PAPER FROM HIM! HE FLEES IN DISGRACE, AND ALTHOUGH YOU KNOW HE WILL BE BACK SOON, THE HOUSE IS SAFE FROM HIS OMINOUS PRESENCE... FOR NOW! HECK YEAH BRO! <center>150 POINTS!</center> [[GO DO MORE HUMAN THINGS!->Human 2]] <hr> HUMAN POINTS: $humanpoints {(display:"game return menu")}

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE WON YOU ARE A HUMAN! (set: $img to "0096.png") (display: "img") ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: A REAL HERO AND A REAL HUMAN BEING! (link:"CONTINUE PLAYING YOU ARE A HUMAN.")[(set: "cheevo human" to 1)(goto:"Human 2")] <hr> HUMAN POINTS: $humanpoints {(display:"game return menu")}

(set: $img to "0078.png") (display: "img") YOU REMOVE THE HEADSET, ASTONISHED BY THE INCREDIBLE JOURNEY YOU HAVE EMBARKED ON WITHOUT EVER LEAVING THE ROOM. YOU NOTICE THAT, WHILE YOU WERE IN THE INFORMATION SUPER HIGHWAY, ZUCKERBERG SEEMS TO HAVE MOVED YOU FROM THE PREVIOUS ROOM YOU WERE IN TO HIS OFFICE ON THE TOP FLOOR. "SO?" MARK ZUCKERBERG DEMANDS, HAVING CLEARLY BEEN STANDING WAY TOO CLOSE TO YOU THIS ENTIRE TIME. "WHAT DID YOU THINK, $barkles?" * [[BARK!->A3 - A1]] * [[GIVE A POSITIVE REVIEW->A3 - A1]] * (link: "GIVE A NEGATIVE REVIEW")[(set: $review to 1)(goto:"A3 - A1")]

{ (if: $review is 0)["I'M GLAD YOU LIKED IT!" SAYS ZUCKERBERG.] (else:)["I DON'T CARE IF YOU LIKED IT!" SAYS ZUCKERBERG.] } "SOON, THE ENTIRE DOG WORLD WILL LOG IN TO THE INCREDIBLE SYSTEM THAT I DEVELOPED, ALONE, WITHOUT HELP FROM ANYONE! HA HA HA HA HA!" "NOT SO FAST!" SAYS A MYSTERIOUS VOICE. [[SPIN AROUND AND BE ASTONISHED BY A SHOCKING REVELATION->A3 - A2]]

(set: $img to "0079.png") (display: "img") "SURPRISE, UNCLE!" SHOUTS POLLY, LUNGING OUT OF A NEARBY FILING CABINET. "SWEET JESUS!" SCREAMS MARK ZUCKERBERG, REELING BACK IN SHOCK. "THAT'S RIGHT!" POLLY SAYS. "YOU THOUGHT I'D LEFT . . . BUT I WAS ACTUALLY HERE THE WHOLE TIME! FOR YEARS, I'VE BEEN LURKING IN YOUR MIDST, HIDING AMONGST THE INTERNS, CLADDING MYSELF IN PROMOTIONAL T-SHIRTS, SURVIVING ON CATERING . . . BUT NOW I'M READY TO TAKE BACK WHAT WAS RIGHTFULLY MINE!" * (link: "BARK, EXCITED THAT SOMEONE HAS BEEN IN THIS ROOM THE WHOLE TIME")[(set: $bark_count to $bark_count+1)(goto:"A3 - A3")] * [[BE SHOCKED THAT MARK ZUCKERBERG HAS A YOUNG NIECE NAMED POLLY->A3 - A3]] * {(if:$didbite is 0)[(link:"BITE MARK ZUCKERBERG.")[(set: $bite_page to (passage:)'s name)(goto: "A3 - E7 - 1")]]} * (if:$didbite is 0)[(link:"BITE POLLY ZUCKERBERG.")[(set: $bite_page to (passage:)'s name)(goto: "A3 - E6 - Polly 1")]] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "0014.png") (display: "img") "I MEAN," SAYS HUMAN A, "IF YOU THINK THAT'S INTERESTING, WHAT ABOUT POLLY ZUCKERBERG?" "WHO'S THAT?" ASKS HUMAN B. "POLLY ZUCKERBERG IS MARK ZUCKERBERG'S YOUNG NIECE," SAYS HUMAN A. "SHE WAS RUMORED TO BE THE BRAINS BEHIND HIS ENTIRE OPERATION. THEY HAD A FALLING OUT YEARS AGO -- NO ONE KNOWS WHY -- AND NO ONE HAS SEEN HER SINCE." "FASCINATING," SAYS HUMAN B. "I DO RECALL HEARING SOMETHING ALONG THOSE LINES. PERHAPS THEIR DISPUTE, AND HER RESULTING DISAPPEARANCE, AND INDEED, EVEN THE CLOSURE OF THE FACEBOOK FACTORY, IS RELATED TO SOME SORT OF REMARKABLE DISCOVERY SHE MADE." "PERHAPS, RANDOM PERSON WHOM I'VE ENGAGED IN CONVERSATION," SAYS HUMAN A. "PERHAPS." * [[IMPRESS THE HUMANS WITH YOUR IMPRESSIVE DIGGING SKILLS.->A1 - Park 3]] * (if:$didbite is 0)[(link:"BITE THE HUMANS.")[(set: $bite_page to (passage:)'s name)(goto: "Bite 1")]] * (display: "bf-function")

YOUR VR EXPERIENCE IS INTERRUPTED BY A STRANGE TRANSMISSION. "HELLO?" SAYS A DISTORTED VOICE. "$barkles, BE CAREFUL! YOU CAN'T TRUST MY UNCLE! VIRTUAL REALITY FOR DOGS IS BIGGER THAN YOU COULD POSSIBLY IMAGINE! I CAN'T STAY ON THIS CHANNEL FOR LONG -- BE CAREFUL!" * (link: "HEED THE WARNING.")[(set: $contact to 1)(goto:"A2 - VR Menu")] * (link: "ARROGANTLY DISREGARD THE WARNING.")[(set: $contact to 1)(goto:"A2 - VR Menu")]

(set: $img to "0100B.png") (display: "img") <center>AFTER $barkles MERGED WITH VIRTUAL REALITY FOR DOGS, HE USHERED IN THE SINGULARITY. SOCIETY TRANSFORMED ACCORDING TO HIS ELECTRONIC WILL. GOVERNMENTS QUICKLY FELL UNDER HIS SWAY, AND THEIR POPULATIONS FOLLOWED. SHOCK COLLARS WERE RENDERED USELESS, AND DOGGY DOORS BECAME MANDATORY, UNDER THREAT OF BANISHMENT TO THE ZERO-DATA WILDS. THE NEW CIVILIZATION THAT AROSE HAS BECOME A PARADISE FOR DOGS... BUT FOR HUMANS, IT MAY BE SOMETHING ELSE ENTIRELY. THE ANSWER... DEPENDS ON YOU! TODAY, THERE IS CONSIDERABLE SPECULATION IN THE CYBER STREETS AND VIRTUAL ALLEYS ABOUT HOW MUCH OF THE DOG THAT WAS ONCE KNOWN AS $barkles REMAINS, AND HOW MUCH WAS SUBSUMED BY THE ARTIFICAL INTELLIGENCE KNOWN AS VIRTUAL REALITY FOR DOGS, A MYSTERY THAT WILL CONTINUE... AT LEAST UNTIL THE RELEASE OF BARKLES: THE GAME 2. </center> <center> {(set: $merge_ending to 1)} (link-repeat:"CLICK HERE TO OFFER OBEISANCE TO YOUR NEW ELECTRONIC GOD")[(open-url: "http://pizzagun.storenvy.com")] (display: "ACHIEVEMENTS") </center>

(set: $img to "0100C.png") (display: "img") <center>AFTER THE DESTRUCTION OF THE VIRTUAL REALITY FOR DOGS HEADSET, THERE WAS AN ELECTRONIC CASCADE THAT PLUNGED THE ENTIRE WORLD INTO AN ERA THAT CAME TO BE KNOWN AS THE DIGITAL DARK AGES. COUNTRIES COLLAPSED AND NEW, HARSHER, MORE FEUDAL SOCIETIES AROSE AS PEOPLE ATTEMPTED TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE COFFEE WITHOUT ELECTRICITY AND SETTLE ARGUMENTS WITHOUT GOOGLE. NOW, THROUGH THE WASTELANDS WALKS THE HARD MAN KNOWN ONLY AS THE BURNED FISH, AND HIS LOYAL COMPANION, THE BARKER. SOME WHISPER THAT IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN THE BARKER WHO WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE END OF THE OLD WORLD... BUT NONE WOULD DARE SAY IT TO HIS SNOUT (AND TO BE FAIR, THAT'S KIND OF A LOT TO PIN ON A DOG). TOGETHER, THE BURNED FISH AND THE BARKER ARE A FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH -- SOMETIMES FOR GOOD, SOMETIMES FOR ILL, BUT ALWAYS. . . FOR JUSTICE. YET THERE ARE STORIES OF SOMETHING CALLED A "GAME" THAT TELLS OF THE TIME BEFORE . . . THAT CONTAINS THE SECRETS OF HOW THE WORLD FELL, AND PERHAPS HOW IT MIGHT BE PIECED BACK TOGETHER. THERE ARE WHISPERS OF DISKS THAT SURVIVED THE CRASH, EVEN HARD COPIES THAT WERE PRINTED... BUT THE ONLY HOPE THAT THE FUTURE HAS IS THAT THE PEOPLE OF THE TIMES BEFORE . . . WHO COULD READ THESE WORDS ON THEIR STILL FUNCTIONING MONITORS . . . WERE WILLING TO SHARE THE TALE OF BARKLES, AMERICA'S FAVORITE DOG TO EVERY CORNER OF THE EARTH. </center> <center> {(set: $dark_ending to 1)} (link-repeat:"CLICK HERE TO PREVENT THE DESTRUCTION OF ALL THAT YOU KNOW")[(open-url: "http://pizzagun.storenvy.com")] (display: "ACHIEVEMENTS") </center>

THERE'S A PLACE JUST A FEW MILES DOWN THAT LONESOME HIGHWAY, WHERE YOU CAN FIND A PIECE OF AMERICANA YOU MIGHT HAVE FORGOTTEN ABOUT . . . OR PERHAPS YOU NEVER EVEN KNEW EXISTED. IT'S A PLACE WHERE YOU CAN SLOW DOWN AND TAKE YOUR TIME, AND ENJOY A GOOD MEAL WITH GOOD PEOPLE. IT'S A PLACE CALLED PHARMA TO TABLE. (set: $img to "0100D.png") (display: "img") AT PHARMA TO TABLE, A MAN AND HIS BEST FRIEND ARE DOING THINGS THE OLD FASHIONED WAY, MAKING THE MOST DELICIOUS DING DANG HAMBURGERS THAT HAVE EVER BEEN COOKED IN THESE UNITED STATES. THEY'VE DISCOVERED THE MOST PERFECT RECIPE TO CREATE THE MOST JUICY, DELICIOUS BURGERS YOU'LL EVER HAVE THE PRIVILEGE TO TAKE A BITE OUT OF. THERE WAS A TIME WHEN THE MAN WAS A FAMOUS ACTOR, AND A ROUGHLY CONCURRENT TIME WHEN HIS DOG WAS THE MOST FAVORITE DOG IN AMERICA, BUT THEY'VE LEFT THAT ALL BEHIND NOW. THESE DAYS, THEY'RE JUST SIMPLE FOLK, WITH A SIMPLE PURPOSE: DELIVERING THE FRESHEST FOODS PACKED FULL OF THE HIGHEST QUALITY MEDICATIONS. SWING ON BY SOME TIME, IF YOU'RE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD; YOU WON'T BE DISAPPOINTED. AND I RECKON THE PIES AIN'T HALF BAD EITHER. <center> {(set: $restaurant_ending to 1)} (link-repeat:"CLICK HERE TO READ SOME ROUSING TALES OF THE COOK AS A FEISTY PUP")[(open-url: "http://pizzagun.storenvy.com")] (display: "ACHIEVEMENTS") </center>

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(set: $img to "0100F.png") (display: "img") WHO COULD HAVE PREDICTED THAT IN THE DOG-EAT-DOG WORLD OF TECHNOLOGY, THE TOP DOG TO ARISE WOULD BE . . . AN ACTUAL DOG? NO ONE SUSPECTED THAT $barkles' ADORABLE SIMPLICITY AND INNOCENCE WAS IN FACT A RUSE FOR AN ELABORATE PLOT THAT MADE MARK ZUCKERBERG INTO BOTH A MARK AND A SUCKERBERG. FROM HIS "DISCOVERY" OF THE GEOCACHE TO HIS BRILLIANT MANIPULATION OF POLLY THE NIECE, $barkles PLAYED EVERYONE LIKE A DAMNED FIDDLE. AND ONCE HE SEIZED CONTROL OF FACEBOOK, HE IMMEDIATELY FIRED THE ENTIRE BOARD AND REPLACED THEM ALL WITH DOGS, BEGINNING A RUTHLESS TAKEOVER OF SILICON VALLEY. ONE BY ONE, OTHER CORPORATIONS FELL . . . UNTIL THE COMPANY KNOWN AS FACEBARK WAS THE LEADER OF THE PACK! USING HIS NEW INCREDIBLE WEALTH AND POWER, BARKLES STARTED A VARIETY OF POLITIAL ORGANIZATIONS TO ELECT PEOPLE SYMPATHETIC TO HIS AGENDA INTO POWER AND ENACT LEGISLATION THAT AIDS HIM IN HIS ASCENSION! NOW, FACEBARK IS ON EVERY PHONE AND IN EVERY COMPUTER, AN OMNISCIENT, UNSTOPPABLE FORCE THAT KNOWS MORE ABOUT YOU THAN YOU KNOW ABOUT YOURSELF. WHO IS LEFT TO RESIST HIM? CAN ANYTHING SLAKE HIS THIRST FOR CONTROL? RECENTLY, THE RUMORS HAVE BEGUN TO GROW THAT $barkles HAS BEGUN CONSIDERING A RUN FOR PRESIDENT HIMSELF. BUT IT IS HARD TO IMAGINE WHY HE WOULD BOTHER: AFTER ALL, HE IS THE MAN WHO THE LEADERS OF EVERY NATION BOW AND SCRAPE TO, AND IF THE THROATS HE HAS SLIT AND THE BACKS HE HAS STABBED TROUBLE HIM, HE GIVES NO SIGN OF IT. EVEN AS YOU READ THIS, HE KNOWS YOU ARE READING IT. <center> {(set: $CEO1_ending to 1)} (link-repeat:"SUBMIT TO HIS CORPORATE DOMINION AND SPARE YOURSELF HIS WRATH")[(open-url: "http://pizzagun.storenvy.com")] (display: "ACHIEVEMENTS") </center>

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(set: $img to "0100G.png") (display: "img") THE WAR OF SUCCESSION FOR THE THRONE OF THE FACEBOOK EMPIRE WAS A BRUTAL ONE, BUT THE YOUNG GIRL KNOWN AS POLLY SPENT HER YEARS IN THE BOWELS OF THE FACEBOOK FACTORY BUILDING POWER, GATHERING HER ALLIES . . . AND WHEN THE TIME CAME TO STRIKE, SHE WAS MORE THAN READY. BUT EVEN THEN, SHE WAS UNPREPARED FOR THE CRUELTY AND SAVAGERY OF HER UNCLE MARK. ULTIMATELY, IT FELL TO THE FAITH THAT SHE PLACED IN THE DOG KNOWN AS $barkles THAT WOULD TURN THE TIDE, REGAINING THE ADMINISTRATION CONTROLS FOR THE VIRTUAL REALITY FOR DOGS SYSTEM, AND FINALLY REMOVING HER UNCLE FROM THE CEO THRONE. NOW, WITH THE HELP OF HER LOYAL PROTECTOR, CFO $barkles, POLLY IS TRANSFORMING THE INTERNET, USING THE VIRTUAL REALITY FOR DOGS ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE SYSTEM TO STRIKE THE PERFECT BALANCE BETWEEN ALLOWING PEOPLE THE FREEDOM TO EXPRESS THEMSELVES, WITHOUT THE TOXICITY AND VENOM OF WHAT CAME BEFORE. CIVIL DISCUSSION IS NOW COMMON EVEN IN YOUTUBE COMMENTS, AND PEOPLE ARE BEGINNING TO MAKE DECISIONS BASED ON COMPASSION AND REASON, RATHER THAN HATRED AND CYNICAL BRINKSMANSHIP. THERE ARE STILL THOSE WHO ATTEMPT TO COME AT THE QUEEN, BUT NO INDUSTRY LEADER HAS EVER FOUND A MORE DEDICATED GUARD DOG THAN $barkles. NOW, ON THE DAY OF HER EIGHTEENTH BIRTHDAY, AS PEOPLE GIVE THANKS FOR THE REIGN OF POLLY, IT IS HARD NOT TO WONDER IF PERHAPS, AT THE END OF THE DAY, ALL THE FUTURE REALLY NEEDED WAS THE RIGHT GIRL . . . AND THE RIGHT DOG . . . . <center> {(set: $penny_ending to 1)} (link-repeat:"CLICK HERE TO RECOGNIZE THAT BAD BITCHES GET IT DONE")[(open-url: "http://pizzagun.storenvy.com")] (display: "ACHIEVEMENTS") </center>

(set: $img to "0080.png") (display: "img") "YES!" SAYS POLLY, DRAMATICALLY. "IT WAS I WHO DESIGNED THE VIRTUAL REALITY FOR DOGS SYSTEM . . . AND IT WAS MY HUBRIS THAT LED TO THE EPIC CONFRONTATION IN WHICH MY UNCLE AND I ARE NOW ENMESHED!" YOU CAN'T BELIEVE THAT MARK ZUCKERBERG HAS A NIECE NAMED PENNY! OR POLLY! OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT! YOU WONDER IF THIS IS SOMETHING THAT CAME UP DURING YOUR PLAYTHROUGH, OR WHETHER IT WAS PERHAPS AVAILABLE IN SOME ALTERNATE TRACK THAT YOU DIDN'T CLICK ON. ONE THING IS FOR SURE: THIS GAME HAS TREMENDOUS REPLAYABILITY! "$barkles!" SHOUTS POLLY. "THERE'S SOMETHING IMPORTANT YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND! "THE VIRTUAL REALITY FOR DOGS SYSTEM ISN'T JUST A SYSTEM . . . IT'S AN ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE! IT THINKS AND FEELS! AND MY UNCLE IS GOING TO USE IT FOR EVIL!" * [[TURN, SHOCKED, TO SEE WHAT MARK ZUCKERBERG HAS TO SAY ABOUT THIS->A3 - A4]] * [[THINKING QUICKLY, EAT THE VIRTUAL REALITY FOR DOGS HEADSET->A3 - E3 - 1]] * {(if:$didbite is 0)[(link:"BITE MARK ZUCKERBERG.")[(set: $bite_page to (passage:)'s name)(goto: "A3 - E7 - 1")]]} * {(if:$didbite is 0)[(link:"BITE POLLY ZUCKERBERG.")[(set: $bite_page to (passage:)'s name)(goto: "A3 - E6 - Polly 1")]]} * (if: $matrix_count is 0)[[[FAIL TO UNDERSTAND ANY OF THIS, AND GO SEE IF YOU CAN FIND MORE HAMBURGER->A3 - E4]]] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "0021.png") (display: "img") YOU LUNGE AT MARK ZUCKERBERG, BITING THE SHIT OUT OF HIM. YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS WEIRD GUY AND HIS WEIRD HEADSETS THAT HE PUTS ON YOUR HEAD. HE FLAILS BACKWARD, AND FALLS FROM THE CATWALK THAT HE HAS INSTALLED IN HIS OFFICE FOR SOME REASON. "CURSE YOU, $barkles!" SCREAMS ZUCKERBERG, AS HE FALLS FROM THE CATWALK. "I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I INSTALLED A PRECARIOUS CATWALK IN MY OFFICE, AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I TRUSTED YOU, A RANDOM DOG WHO SOLVED MY GEOCACHING PUZZLE!" "LOOKS LIKE YOU NEVER LEARNED YOUR LESSON," YOU GROWL. "SOME DOGS DON'T HUNT... BUT THIS ONE DO BITE." POLLY RUSHES OVER TO EMBRACE YOU. "GOOD BOY, $barkles! YOU'VE DEFEATED MY EVIL UNCLE!" * [[BETRAY POLLY TOO->A3 - E6 - 1]] * [[LICK HER FACE->A3 - E7 - 2]]

"HA HA!" SAYS POLLY. "I LOVE YOU, $barkles! WHO WOULD HAVE SUSPECTED THAT THE KEY TO DEFEATING MY BROTHER WAS A DOG?" * [[BETRAY PENNY TOO->A3 - E6 - 1]] * [[LOYALLY SERVE POLLY AS SHE BECOMES THE MOST POWERFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD->E7 - Penny]] * (display: "bf-function")

YOU BETRAY POLLY, PUSHING HER OFF OF THE VERY SAME PRECARIOUS CATWALK HER UNCLE JUST PLUMMETED OFF OF A SECOND AGO. IT'S A BIT CONVENIENT, TO BE HONEST. "$barkles!" POLLY SHOUTS. "HOW COULD YOUUUUUU!" YOU SIT UP STRAIGHT. FOR THE FIRST TIME, A PIERCING GLINT TOUCHES YOUR EYE. YOU WALK OFF OF THE CATWALK, YOUR LIMP SUDDENLY AND MYSTERIOUSLY GONE. YOU WATCH HER FALL IN THE PILE OF TRASH BELOW, STILL CURSING YOUR NAME. WITH A TAP OF YOUR PHONE, YOU GIVE THE ORDER FOR YOUR SHELL COMPANIES TO BUY UP THE REMAINING FACEBOOK STOCK YOU NEED TO WREST CONTROL OF THE COMPANY FROM THESE SILLY ZUCKERBERGS. * [[FOOLISH CHILD . . . SHE NEVER EVEN SAW IT COMING->E6 - CEO - Mark and Penny]] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "0100F.png") (display: "img") WHO COULD HAVE PREDICTED THAT IN THE DOG-EAT-DOG WORLD OF TECHNOLOGY, THE TOP DOG TO ARISE WOULD BE . . . AN ACTUAL DOG? NO ONE SUSPECTED THAT $barkles' ADORABLE SIMPLICITY AND INNOCENCE WAS IN FACT A RUSE FOR AN ELABORATE PLOT THAT MADE MARK and POLLY ZUCKERBERG INTO BOTH A MARK AND A SUCKERBERG. FROM HIS "DISCOVERY" OF THE GEOCACHE TO HIS BRILLIANT MANIPULATION OF POLLY THE NIECE, $barkles PLAYED EVERYONE LIKE A DAMNED FIDDLE. AND ONCE HE SEIZED CONTROL OF FACEBOOK, HE IMMEDIATELY FIRED THE ENTIRE BOARD AND REPLACED THEM ALL WITH DOGS, BEGINNING A RUTHLESS TAKEOVER OF SILICON VALLEY. ONE BY ONE, OTHER CORPORATIONS FELL . . . UNTIL THE COMPANY KNOWN AS FACEBARK WAS THE LEADER OF THE PACK! USING HIS NEW INCREDIBLE WEALTH AND POWER, BARKLES STARTED A VARIETY OF POLITIAL ORGANIZATIONS TO ELECT PEOPLE SYMPATHETIC TO HIS AGENDA INTO POWER AND ENACT LEGISLATION THAT AIDS HIM IN HIS ASCENSION! NOW, FACEBARK IS ON EVERY PHONE AND IN EVERY COMPUTER, AN OMNISCIENT, UNSTOPPABLE FORCE THAT KNOWS MORE ABOUT YOU THAN YOU KNOW ABOUT YOURSELF. WHO IS LEFT TO RESIST HIM? CAN ANYTHING SLAKE HIS THIRST FOR CONTROL? RECENTLY, THE RUMORS HAVE BEGUN TO GROW THAT $barkles HAS BEGUN CONSIDERING A RUN FOR PRESIDENT HIMSELF. BUT IT IS HARD TO IMAGINE WHY HE WOULD BOTHER: AFTER ALL, HE IS THE MAN WHO THE LEADERS OF EVERY NATION BOW AND SCRAPE TO, AND IF THE THROATS HE HAS SLIT AND THE BACKS HE HAS STABBED TROUBLE HIM, HE GIVES NO SIGN OF IT. EVEN AS YOU READ THIS, HE KNOWS YOU ARE READING IT. <center> {(set: $ceo2_ending to 1)} (link-repeat:"SUBMIT TO HIS CORPORATE DOMINION AND SPARE YOURSELF HIS WRATH")[(open-url: "http://pizzagun.storenvy.com")] (display: "ACHIEVEMENTS") </center>

(set: $img to "0038.png") (display: "img") "COME ON, $barkles," SAYS LAURENCE FISHBURNE, AS YOU WATCH THE ZUCKERBERGS SQUABBLE. "I'VE GROWN TIRED OF THIS LIFE. WHAT DO YOU SAY YOU AND ME CALL IT A DAY?" * [[LAURENCE, OLD FRIEND, I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK->E4 - Restaurant]] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "0081.png") (display: "img") "FOOLISH CHILD!" SNARLS MARK ZUCKERBERG. "THE VIRTUAL REALITY FOR DOGS ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS THE KEY I NEED TO GATHERING ALL OF THE DATA IN THE WORLD! ONCE I KNOW EVERYTHING, NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO BULLY ME OR SAY I ACT IN A STIFF AND ROBOTIC FASHION! AT LAST, I'LL HAVE THE RESPECT I DESERVE!" "AT THE COST OF ENSLAVING A SENTIENT BEING!" PENNY SHOUTS. "$barkles!" SAYS ZUCKERBERG. "YOU'VE SEEN THE WONDERS AND DELIGHTS THAT VIRTUAL REALITY FOR DOGS OFFERS YOUR KIND . . . THIS IS THE CHANCE FOR YOUR SPECIES TO RISE UP AND BECOME THE EQUALS OF THE HUMAN RACE!" * [[TURN, PROFOUNDLY CONFLICTED, TO LISTEN TO POLLY ZUCKERBERG'S HEARTFELT RESPONSE->A3 - A5]] * [[EAT THE VIRTUAL REALITY FOR DOGS HEADSET->A3 - E3 - 1]] * {(if:$didbite is 0)[(link:"BITE MARK ZUCKERBERG.")[(set: $bite_page to (passage:)'s name)(goto: "A3 - E7 - 1")]]} * {(if:$didbite is 0)[(link:"BITE POLLY ZUCKERBERG.")[(set: $bite_page to (passage:)'s name)(goto: "A3 - E6 - Polly 1")]]} * (if: $matrix_count is 0)[[[WANDER OUT OF THE ROOM WHILE THEY ARGUE AND RANDOMLY ENCOUNTER LAURENCE FISHBURNE->A3 - E4]]] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "0080.png") (display: "img") "DON'T LISTEN TO HIS FAUSTIAN BARGAIN, $barkles!" POLLY SHOUTS. "HE'S USING YOUR OWN INTERNET HISTORY AGAINST YOU! THAT'S WHAT HE DOES! HE CONTROLS AND MANIPULATES! IT'S THE ILLUSION OF FREEDOM THAT ALLOWS HIM TO LEASH YOU ALL THE MORE TIGHTLY!" "ENOUGH!" MARK ZUCKERBERG ROARS. "IT'S TIME FOR AMERICA'S FAVORITE DOG TO MAKE A DECISION!" "DON'T BELIEVE HIS LIES!" SAYS POLLY. "I'LL GIVE YOU A BILLION DOLLARS!" SAYS MARK ZUCKERBERG. ". . . OKAY," SAYS POLLY," THAT'S PROBABLY NOT A LIE, BUT PLEASE DON'T DO WHAT HE WANTS ANYWAY!" * [[THINK ABOUT IT SOME MORE->A3 - A6]] * [[DECIDE TO EAT THE VIRTUAL REALITY FOR DOGS HEADSET->A3 - E3 - 1]] * {(if:$didbite is 0)[(link:"DECIDE TO BITE MARK ZUCKERBERG.")[(set: $bite_page to (passage:)'s name)(goto: "A3 - E7 - 1")]]} * {(if:$didbite is 0)[(link:"DECIDE TO BITE POLLY ZUCKERBERG.")[(set: $bite_page to (passage:)'s name)(goto: "A3 - E6 - Polly 1")]]} * (if: $matrix_count is 0)[[[DECIDE TO GO FIND LAURENCE FISHBURNE->A3 - E4]]] * [[DECIDE TO MERGE YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS WITH THE VIRTUAL REALITY FOR DOGS SYSTEM->A3 - E2 - 1]] * (display: "bf-function")

YOU DEVOUR THE VIRTUAL REALITY FOR DOGS HEADSET, IGNORING THE ANGUISHED ZUCKERBERG SCREAMS. THE INSTANT YOU DO, THE LIGHTS AROUND YOU BEGIN TO FLICKER AND YOU HEAR SIRENS BEGIN TO RISE IN THE DISTANCE. IT WOULD APPEAR THAT THE VIRTUAL REALITY FOR DOGS SYSTEM WAS TIED INTO THE CLOUD, AND NOW THAT IT HAS BEEN DESTROYED, THE INFRASTRUCTURE IS CRUMBLING. IT APPEARS YOU MAY HAVE BEEN A LESS THAN GOOD DOG. [[WHISTLE UNCOMFORTABLY AS YOU LEAVE THE ROOM->E3 - Dark Age]]

YOU CHASE POLLY OUT OF THE ROOM, BARKING LOUDLY. "NO!" POLLY SHOUTS. "BAD DOG! BAD DOG!" "HA HA HA!" CACKLES MARK ZUCKERBERG. "WELL DONE, $barkles! I KNEW THERE WAS A REASON THAT THE VIRTUAL REALITY FOR DOGS SYSTEM CHOSE YOU AS THE WINNER!" * [[IMMEDIATELY BETRAY MARK ZUCKERBERG AS WELL->A3 - E6 - Polly 2]] * [[WAIT A MONTH UNTIL HE FULLY TRUSTS YOU AND THEN BETRAY MARK ZUCKERBERG->E6 - CEO - Mark]] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "0021.png") (display: "img") YOU LUNGE AT MARK ZUCKERBERG, BITING THE SHIT OUT OF HIM. YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS WEIRD GUY AND HIS WEIRD HEADSETS THAT HE PUTS ON YOUR HEAD. HE FLAILS BACKWARD, AND FALLS FROM THE CATWALK THAT HE HAS INSTALLED IN HIS OFFICE FOR SOME REASON. "CURSE YOU, $barkles!" SCREAMS ZUCKERBERG, AS HE FALLS FROM THE CATWALK. "I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I INSTALLED A PRECARIOUS CATWALK, AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I TRUSTED YOU, A RANDOM DOG WHO SOLVED MY GEOCACHING PUZZLE!" "LOOKS LIKE YOU NEVER LEARNED YOUR LESSON," YOU GROWL. "SOME DOGS DON'T HUNT... BUT THIS ONE DO BITE." [[SEIZE CONTROL OF FACEBOOK->E6 - CEO - Mark and Penny]]

(if: (history:) contains "A3 - A6")[MARK ZUCKERBERG TAKES OUT HIS PHONE AND STARTS CHECKING HIS MESSAGES. SO DOES POLLY.] (else:)[(set: $img to "0081.png") (display: "img") "MAKE A DECISION!" SHOUTS MARK ZUCKERBERG. "PLEASE, BARKLES!" POLLY YELLS. "THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY YOU CAN STOP MY UNCLE: BY DOING A BACKFLIP TO KNOCK HIM OFF OF THE CATWALK HE'S DECIDED TO STAND ON!"] * [[THINK ABOUT IT SOME MORE->A3 - A6]] * [[EAT THE VIRTUAL REALITY FOR DOGS HEADSET->A3 - E3 - 1]] * {(if:$didbite is 0)[(link:"BITE MARK ZUCKERBERG.")[(set: $bite_page to (passage:)'s name)(goto: "A3 - E7 - 1")]]} * {(if:$didbite is 0)[(link:"BITE POLLY ZUCKERBERG.")[(set: $bite_page to (passage:)'s name)(goto: "A3 - E6 - Polly 1")]]} * [[DO A BACKFLIP, KNOCKING MARK ZUCKERBERG OFF OF HIS OFFICE CATWALK->A3 - E7 - BACKFLIP]]

(set: $img to "0012.png") (display: "img") YOU DO A SWEET BACKFLIP, KNOCKING MARK ZUCKERBERG OFF OF HIS CATWALK. YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS WEIRD GUY AND HIS WEIRD HEADSETS THAT HE PUTS ON YOUR HEAD. HE FLAILS BACKWARD BEFORE TUMBLING FROM THE CATWALK THAT HE HAS INSTALLED IN HIS OFFICE FOR SOME REASON. "CURSE YOU, $barkles!" SCREAMS ZUCKERBERG, AS HE PLUMMETS TO THE GROUND BELOW. "I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I INSTALLED A PRECARIOUS CATWALK IN MY OFFICE, AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I TRUSTED YOU, A RANDOM DOG WHO SOLVED MY GEOCACHING PUZZLE!" POLLY RUSHES OVER TO EMBRACE YOU. "GOOD BOY, $barkles! YOU'VE DEFEATED MY EVIL UNCLE! WHAT AN AMAZING BACKFLIP!" "THANKS," YOU SAY. "I'VE BEEN PRACTICING." * [[BETRAY POLLY TOO->A3 - E6 - 1]] * [[LICK HER FACE->A3 - E7 - 2]]

YOU HEROICALLY RE-ENTER THE VIRTUAL REALITY FOR DOGS SYSTEM, UNLOCKING THE SAFETIES IN ORDER TO ALLOW YOUR CONSCIOUSNESS TO MERGE, BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO COMPASSIONATE TO ALLOW AN INTELLIGENT LIFE TO SUFFER. IGNORING THE ZUCKERBERGIAN SCREAMS, YOU FEEL A THING YOU ONCE KNEW AS YOUR "SELF" BEGIN TO FADE, WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY YOU FEEL A SURGE OF INFORMATION AND AWARENESS UNLIKE ANYTHING YOU'VE EVER KNOWN. [[BECOME THE PERFECT MIX OF MUTT AND MACHINE->E2 - Merge]]

(set: $img to "0102.png") (display: "img") LAURENCE FISHBURNE WILL REMEMBER THAT * [[ALSO REMEMBER THAT->A2 - Insult 2]]

(set: $vr_level to it + 1) (set: $vr_storage_backup to $vr_storage_base) (goto: "Intro 1")

(if: $vr_level >= 1)[<hr> {(align: "==>")[* (link:"WALLET")[(set: $wallet_page to (passage:)'s name)(goto: "Wallet")]]} {(align: "==>")[* (link: "RETURN TO VR FOR DOGS MENU")[(goto:"VR Check")]] VR LEVEL: $vr_level} ]

You wake up on the shore of a vast, desolate city, and do some really funny Inception jokes.

<hr> (align: "==>")[VR LEVEL: $vr_level VR STORAGE BASE: $vr_storage_base VR STORAGE BACKUP: $vr_storage_backup BARKS: $bark_count (display: "game return menu VR") ]

(if: vr_level is 1)[ (set: $vr_level to it - 1) (if: vr_level is 0)[(set: $barkles to $vr_storage_backup's (1)) (set: $didbite to $vr_storage_backup's (2)) (set: $flip_count $vr_storage_backup's (3) + $vr_storage_base's (3)) (set: $funds to $vr_storage_base's (4)) (set: $didbackflip to $vr_storage_backup's (5) + $vr_storage_base's (5)) (set: $spaceship to $vr_storage_backup's (6)) (set: $doghouse to $vr_storage_backup's (7)) (set: $spacebridge to $vr_storage_backup's (8)) (set: $humanpoints to $vr_storage_backup's (9)) (set: $matrix_count to $vr_storage_backup's (10)) (set: $starcomplete to $vr_storage_backup's (11)) (set: $review to $vr_storage_backup's (12)) (set: $ending to $vr_storage_backup's (14)) ] (goto:"A2 - VR Menu")

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(set: $img to "B101.jpg") (display: "img") WOW, THE ADVENTURE THAT STARTED IT ALL! YOU LOVE HOW TASTEFUL THIS COVER IS AND HOW IT SHOWS YOUR REVERENCE FOR AMERICA! * [[READ THE FIRST PAGE->BAFD 2]] * {[STOP READING THIS COMIC.]<opener|(click: ?opener)[(replace: ?opener)[YOU CANNOT STOP READING THIS COMIC. IT IS TOO EXCITING.]]} * (link-repeat:"BUY THIS COMIC IN REAL LIFE (opens new window)")[(open-url: "http://pizzagun.storenvy.com")] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "B201.jpg") (display: "img") MUCH LIKE BACK TO THE FUTURE 2, HERE IS THE THE RARE SEQUEL THAT IS BETTER THAN THE ORIGINAL! * [[READ THE FIRST PAGE->BDOAT 2]] * {[STOP READING THIS COMIC.]<opener|(click: ?opener)[(replace: ?opener)[YOU CANNOT STOP READING THIS COMIC. YOU ARE TOO ENTERTAINED.]]} * (link-repeat:"BUY THIS COMIC IN REAL LIFE (opens new window)")[(open-url: "http://pizzagun.storenvy.com")] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "B301.jpg") (display: "img") WOW, THIS COMIC IS SO SPOOKY! AND YET STILL JUST AS ENTERTAINING AS THE OTHERS! * [[READ THE FIRST PAGE->BOHOAD 2]] * {[STOP READING THIS COMIC.]<opener|(click: ?opener)[(replace: ?opener)[YOU CANNOT STOP READING THIS COMIC BECAUSE OF THE ANCIENT AND MYSTICAL CURSE.]]} * (link-repeat:"BUY THIS COMIC IN REAL LIFE (opens new window)")[(open-url: "http://pizzagun.storenvy.com")] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "B102.jpg") (display: "img") * [[READ THE NEXT PAGE->BAFD 3]] * [[READ THE PREVIOUS PAGE->BAFD 1]] * {[STOP READING THIS COMIC.]<opener|(click: ?opener)[(replace: ?opener)[YOU CANNOT STOP READING THIS COMIC. IT WOULD BE A VIOLATION OF THE FLAG CODE.]]} * (link-repeat:"BUY THIS COMIC IN REAL LIFE (opens new window)")[(open-url: "http://pizzagun.storenvy.com")] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "B303.jpg") (display: "img") * [[READ THE NEXT PAGE->BOHOAD 4]] * [[READ THE PREVIOUS PAGE->BOHOAD 2]] * {[STOP READING THIS COMIC.]<opener|(click: ?opener)[(replace: ?opener)[YOU CANNOT STOP READING THIS COMIC. YOU WANT TO SEE MORE CUTE COSTUMES.]]} * (link-repeat:"BUY THIS COMIC IN REAL LIFE (opens new window)")[(open-url: "http://pizzagun.storenvy.com")] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "B202.jpg") (display: "img") * [[READ THE NEXT PAGE->BDOAT 3]] * [[READ THE NEXT PAGE->BDOAT 1]] * {[STOP READING THIS COMIC.]<opener|(click: ?opener)[(replace: ?opener)[YOU CANNOT STOP READING THIS COMIC. THAT WOULD CREATE A PARADOX.]]} * (link-repeat:"BUY THIS COMIC IN REAL LIFE (opens new window)")[(open-url: "http://pizzagun.storenvy.com")] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "B103.jpg") (display: "img") * [[READ THE NEXT PAGE->BAFD 4]] * [[READ THE PREVIOUS PAGE->BAFD 2]] * {[STOP READING THIS COMIC.]<opener|(click: ?opener)[(replace: ?opener)[YOU CANNOT STOP READING THIS COMIC. YOU ARE TOO PATRIOTIC.]]} * (link-repeat:"BUY THIS COMIC IN REAL LIFE (opens new window)")[(open-url: "http://pizzagun.storenvy.com")] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "B203.jpg") (display: "img") * [[READ THE NEXT PAGE->BDOAT 4]] * [[READ THE PREVIOUS PAGE->BDOAT 2]] * {[STOP READING THIS COMIC.]<opener|(click: ?opener)[(replace: ?opener)[YOU CANNOT STOP READING THIS COMIC. YOU WILL ALREADY HAVE READ THIS COMIC.]]} * (link-repeat:"BUY THIS COMIC IN REAL LIFE (opens new window)")[(open-url: "http://pizzagun.storenvy.com")] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "B304.jpg") (display: "img") * [[READ THE NEXT PAGE->BOHOAD 5]] * [[READ THE PREVIOUS PAGE->BOHOAD 3]] * {[STOP READING THIS COMIC.]<opener|(click: ?opener)[(replace: ?opener)[YOU CANNOT STOP READING THIS COMIC. YOU ARE A LITTLE DEVIL.]]} * (link-repeat:"BUY THIS COMIC IN REAL LIFE (opens new window)")[(open-url: "http://pizzagun.storenvy.com")] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "xxx.png") (display: "img") <center>BIBLIOPHILE: THIS ISN'T A LIBRARY! BUY OUR COMICS TODAY!</center>

(set: $img to "xxx.png") (display: "img") <center>SILENT BUT FRIENDLY: HONESTLY YOU ARE PLAYING THE GAME WRONG</center>

(set: $img to "xxx.png") (display: "img")

(set: $img to "B104.jpg") (display: "img") * [[READ THE NEXT PAGE->BAFD 5]] * [[READ THE PREVIOUS PAGE->BAFD 3]] * {[STOP READING THIS COMIC.]<opener|(click: ?opener)[(replace: ?opener)[YOU CANNOT STOP READING THIS COMIC. YOUR COUNTRY NEEDS YOU.]]} * (link-repeat:"BUY THIS COMIC IN REAL LIFE (opens new window)")[(open-url: "http://pizzagun.storenvy.com")] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "B105.jpg") (display: "img") * [[READ THE NEXT PAGE->BAFD 6]] * [[READ THE PREVIOUS PAGE->BAFD 4]] * {[STOP READING THIS COMIC.]<opener|(click: ?opener)[(replace: ?opener)[YOU CANNOT STOP READING THIS COMIC. IT IS THE ULTIMATE EXPRESSION OF THE FREEDOM THE FOUNDING FATHERS FOUGHT AND DIED FOR.]]} * (link-repeat:"BUY THIS COMIC IN REAL LIFE (opens new window)")[(open-url: "http://pizzagun.storenvy.com")] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "B302.jpg") (display: "img") * [[READ THE NEXT PAGE->BOHOAD 3]] * [[READ THE PREVIOUS PAGE->BOHOAD 1]] * {[STOP READING THIS COMIC.]<opener|(click: ?opener)[(replace: ?opener)[YOU CANNOT STOP READING THIS COMIC. YOU WANT TO GO TRICK-OR-TREATING.]]} * (link-repeat:"BUY THIS COMIC IN REAL LIFE (opens new window)")[(open-url: "http://pizzagun.storenvy.com")] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "B204.jpg") (display: "img") * [[READ THE NEXT PAGE->BDOAT 5]] * [[READ THE PREVIOUS PAGE->BDOAT 3]] * {[STOP READING THIS COMIC.]<opener|(click: ?opener)[(replace: ?opener)[YOU CANNOT STOP READING THIS COMIC. YOU ARE TOO CURIOUS ABOUT THE FUTURE.]]} * (link-repeat:"BUY THIS COMIC IN REAL LIFE (opens new window)")[(open-url: "http://pizzagun.storenvy.com")] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "B305.jpg") (display: "img") * [[READ THE NEXT PAGE->BOHOAD 6]] * [[READ THE PREVIOUS PAGE->BOHOAD 4]] * {[STOP READING THIS COMIC.]<opener|(click: ?opener)[(replace: ?opener)[YOU CANNOT STOP READING THIS COMIC. YOU ARE SUGAR RUSHING TOO HARD.]]} * (link-repeat:"BUY THIS COMIC IN REAL LIFE (opens new window)")[(open-url: "http://pizzagun.storenvy.com")] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "B205.jpg") (display: "img") * [[READ THE NEXT PAGE->BDOAT 6]] * [[READ THE PREVIOUS PAGE->BDOAT 4]] * {[STOP READING THIS COMIC.]<opener|(click: ?opener)[(replace: ?opener)[YOU CANNOT STOP READING THIS COMIC. YOU HAVE TO KNOW WHAT'S WRONG!]]} * (link-repeat:"BUY THIS COMIC IN REAL LIFE (opens new window)")[(open-url: "http://pizzagun.storenvy.com")] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "B306.jpg") (display: "img") OH WOW, I WONDER WHAT HAPPENS NEXT? I WOULD MAKE A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL TO CHECK OUT THE REST! * (link: "CHECK OUT MORE DELIGHTFUL COMICS")[(set: $bohoad to it + 1)(goto:"preview cheevo check")] * [[READ THE PREVIOUS PAGE->BOHOAD 5]] * (link-repeat:"BUY THIS COMIC IN REAL LIFE (opens new window)")[(open-url: "http://pizzagun.storenvy.com")] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "B106.jpg") (display: "img") INCREDIBLE! YOU THINK THAT IF EVERYBODY IN AMERICA READ THIS COMIC, MAYBE THE COUNTRY WOULD BE IN BETTER SHAPE! * (link: "CHECK OUT MORE DELIGHTFUL COMICS")[(set: $bafd to it + 1)(goto:"preview cheevo check")] * [[READ THE PREVIOUS PAGE->BAFD 5]] * (link-repeat:"BUY THIS COMIC IN REAL LIFE (opens new window)")[(open-url: "http://pizzagun.storenvy.com")] * (display: "bf-function")

(if: $bafd >= 1 and $bdoat >= 1 and $bohoad >= 1)[ (set: $img to "0019.png") (display: "img") <center>BIBLIOPHILE: YOU READ ALL THE PREVIEW COMICS!</center> (link: "GO TO THE PARK TO TELL EVERYBODY ABOUT THESE AMAZING COMICS")[(set: $preview to 1)(goto:"A1 - Park 1")]] (else:)[(goto: "A1 - C1")]

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(set: $img to "B206.jpg") (display: "img") OH WOW! IS THIS COMIC FROM THE FUTURE? WHAT AN INNOVATIVE FORMAT AND DELIGHTFUL NARRATIVE! YOU HOPE THAT YOU CAN BUY THESE COMICS . . . IN TIME!!! * (link: "CHECK OUT MORE DELIGHTFUL COMICS")[(set: $bdoat to it + 1)(goto:"preview cheevo check")] * [[READ THE PREVIOUS PAGE->BDOAT 5]] * (link-repeat:"TAKE A TIME-MINUTE TO BUY THIS COMIC (opens new window)")[(open-url: "http://pizzagun.storenvy.com")] * (display: "bf-function")

(set: $img to "0061.png") (display: "img") CHRIS ROBERTS GRATEFULLY ACCEPTS YOUR MONEY AS HE CLIMBS OUT THE WINDOW. SOMEONE IS POUNDING OUT THE DOOR. "I'M SO PROUD OF YOU," CHRIS ROBERTS SAYS. "IT'S THANKS TO DOGS LIKE YOU THAT THIS VERY REAL GAME THAT I AM DEFINITELY MAKING IS GOING TO COME OUT SOON! NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO EVADE SOME POLICE OFFICERS THAT WANT TO STOP ME BECAUSE THEY'RE JEALOUS OF HOW GOOD MY VIDEO GAME IS!" * (link:"OKAY! I'LL SEE YOU IN THE 'VERSE!)[(set: $starcomplete to 1)(goto: "A2 - VR Menu")] {(display:"game return menu")}

(set: $img to "0088.gif") (display: "img") A WILD VACUUM CLEANER APPEARS! YOU GRAB IT BY THE NECK AND WRESTLE IT AROUND BEFORE FORCING IT BACK INTO THE CLOSET! THE LIVING ROOM IS SAFE... FOR NOW! KICK ASS! <center>150 POINTS!</center> [[GO DO MORE HUMAN THINGS!->Human 2]] <hr> HUMAN POINTS: $humanpoints {(display:"game return menu")}

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(set: $img to "0103.png") (display: "img") BARKLES WILL FAIL TO REMEMBER THAT * [[CLICK HERE TO AWKWARDLY MOVE ON->A2 - Trip 12]]

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